The Whole Story

I am a storyteller. I love to share a riveting tale while engaging people around me in the emotional waves of action and making them feel as if they are part of the entire event. It's a characteristic I feel helps me connect with people (as I've seen it throughout the different career paths in my life.) This isn't a factor to be manipulated, but instead reinforces my deep desire to be inclusive of all people and to acknowledge each other as we travel through life together. I truly believe it's a reflection of the fundamental truth of our desire to be part of a story of significance and to feel as if we are characters influencing the plot.

The truth is that we are all storytellers. Our entire individual lives are one overarching story that simultaneously interweaves with the ongoing biographies of others around us. Much like a well-written novel there will be plot twists, unexpected characters, devastating events, and great triumphs. The key is to remember that the entire story matters and that our current events are only one part of the grand tale of our lives. The joyful and discouraging events all have significance.

Don't overlook the chapter you're in right now because it's all part of something grand and ultimately beautiful. Learn from each story arc as it becomes part of who you are and who you're becoming. Tell your story while eagerly listening to others as they share theirs. It's a common trait of compassionate humanity and in recognizing the power of influencing each other through what our lives have to say.

Truthfully Speaking

I met with a group of men tonight as we talked about developing community with other guys and how to make that a reality. One of the key characteristics we shared was being able to speak courageously to each other. It was focused on the idea of speaking the truth in love.

I don’t think we have a shortage of voices wanting to speak truth to us. People want to point out what they see wrong and share how we need to make corrections. The problem is that it isn’t always shared in a loving way. It becomes more about someone being right than revealing a genuine concern for our growth and well-being. I don’t think this means we need to sugarcoat things and hold back from speaking words that can help. I do think it means we need to remember that love should be the primary characteristic of our interaction.

Perhaps courageous sharing doesn’t begin with words, but starts with our acts of love. If we are more eager to genuinely care for people, we earn the right to speak tough truths when they are needed. Our mindset changes to reflect true compassion instead of the need to “fix” people and be proven right.

Eye Opening Discovery

As I’m reading through the entire Bible this year, I was in the book of Leviticus and the descriptions of offerings for sin and worship. While it may sometimes seem to be dry reading, there was a portion which seemed to jump out at me. In it was a description of what should be done if you sin unintentionally and finally become aware of it. While the details were in the type of offering, it was the idea of becoming aware which seemed so strong to me.

I will confess I have not always been the most self-aware person. I wasn’t always cognizant of the impact I had on other people or the effect my words, attitude, and actions had on them. In the last several years some maturity on my part combined with caring mentors (and a very patient, loving wife) have helped me to open my eyes and see things more clearly. It’s something I consistently work at so I can be intentional with my influence while caring directly for the people around me at the same time.

I don’t have a specific formula or simple three step action plan for how to become more aware of who we are. I believe it starts with a willingness to work at it, a genuine concern for the people around us, and the patient diligence to keep shaping ourselves. A solid foundation of awareness creates community.

Just Listen

We hosted a Suicide Awareness Symposium at Northridge today as a service to our community. I have had my own life deeply impacted by suicide and was grateful for the wisdom and encouragement offered by all. This is can be an area of great unease, but one it is necessary to talk about if we want to help people in crisis.

I believe there are more people in that type of crisis around us than we know. I feel certain a great number of people in our community are struggling with feelings of hopelessness. If we want to be able to help, we've got to learn to listen.

Part of this involves hearing what people have to say, but it also means we are paying attention to nonverbal communication. Engaging all of our senses in compassionately caring for our community gives us the ability to see what is actually going on. This won't happen if we don't slow down our personal pace of life enough to notice. Our desire to listen means we will focus our attention (without any other distractions) on being present for those in need. Intently listening lets someone know we are there and we care what happens to them. Sometimes that focused compassion may be enough to save someone from making a choice they won't live to regret.

I Care

We all want to be loved and cared for. When we are shown compassion and genuine personal warmth, it reinforces the simple beauty of being human together. We need frequent reminders of caring to keep us healthy and need to freely share it to help others.

 

Individual Battles

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Plato

We have no idea the battles people are facing. Some are engaged in internal struggles, some are fighting with the pain of their past, while others are combating physical ailments that can’t always be seen externally. Many of these fights are are on a mental level yet sap spiritual and emotional strength as well. The outward signs of these struggles may not always be noticed, but the effect is real nonetheless.

How do we respond to the people we encounter on our life’s journey? It’s not as if we aren’t dealing with our own individual battles. I would suggest we treat people as we would like to be treated. Don’t diminish the battle they are facing and try to “one-up” them. Show compassion for their journey. Stand strongly with them without demeaning or ridiculing their fight.

There is great love and respect shown when we can acknowledge the journey someone is on without having to compare it to our own. It’s enough to know we are fighting together.

Benefits Package

When my wife and I travel to Arizona (which we love to do) we have certain routines we stick to. While our airline will vary depending on the best possible price, we always rent our vehicles from National Car Rental. I have a contact there who always takes fantastic care of us from the reservation all the way through our return. In fact, he usually makes sure our vehicles are pulled forward and waiting for us when we arrive and expedites our check-in process. There are certain benefits from knowing someone and being a consistent customer.

We all like to receive benefits whether it’s a perk from our employment, privileges from club membership, or other positive results from our relationships. I think most of us look through this lens of personal fulfillment to make decisions about relationships, opportunities, and where we invest our energy. Before we engage in something we usually want to know how it will personally benefit us.

What if we shifted our perspective on this idea and spent the same amount of energy determining how we beneficial we are to other people? How much richer would our personal relationships be if we asked two questions: Am I adding benefit to the people around me? Are others enriched by my presence? I believe this focus will not only strengthen our key relationships, but will radically transform the way we view our community. Actively looking for ways to help other people adds value to all of us.

Spoken Together

We are called as Christ-followers to speak the truth in love. The question is whether we are more concerned with voicing what is true or acting in love. I think we can be so eager to share truth and correct people that we forget our motive should always be to model grace.

I’m not devaluing the power of truth. Learning to see God’s true path is essential for all of us. Without the gift of love however, we are offering hollow philosophy—one that seems like a lecture instead of invested community. A deep desire to speak truth without the undercurrent of compassion is focused on being right instead of making a lasting difference.

Do everything with a motivation of love and we’ll be able to genuinely care for people where they are on their spiritual journey.

True Purpose

"We can all find a purpose on this earth larger than ourselves." Danielle Green 

Danielle Green is a Notre Dame alum and women's basketball player who also served in the Army. She was critically injured in May 2004 while serving in Baghdad, Iraq and suffered significant injuries including the amputation of her left hand. Danielle recently received the Pat Tillman Award for Service on the ESPY's (ESPN's sports award show), but it wasn't just for her dedication to sports and country. After earning the Purple Heart for her injuries and dedication, she committed her life to working with returning veterans as a readjustment counselor. Who better to help our military veterans reacclimate to society than someone who has gone through it themselves?

I have a tremendous amount of respect for Danielle on many levels, but it is her commitment to living a greater purpose that stands out. She gets it. She has not only modeled a servant minded attitude through her sacrifice, but also through her ongoing dedication to helping others. The idea of enduring sacrifice is not foreign to her, but is clearly part of who she is.

What if we each chose to live by this philosophy? Imagine the difference each life would make if we committed to this thought? This is what defines a real leader to me: someone who has dedicated their life to being part of something larger than their own preferences, schedules, and pleasure. Not only is this admirable, but it's the most fulfilling way to live. 

Our Prayer

May this simple prayer help us as we seek to live as God's Church in this world.

God, go with us. 

Help us to be an honor to the church. 

Give us the grace to follow Christ’s word,

to be clear in our task and careful in our speech. 

Give us open hands and joyful hearts. 

Let Christ be on our lips. 

May our lives reflect a love of truth and compassion.

Let no one come to us and go away sad. 

May we offer hope to the poor, and solace to the disheartened. 

Let us so walk before God’s people, 

that those who follow us might come into his kingdom. 

Let us sow living seeds, words that are quick with life, 

that faith may be the harvest in people’s hearts. 

In word and in example let your light shine in the dark like the morning star. 

Do not allow the wealth of the world or its enchantment 

flatter us into silence as to your truth. 

Do not permit the powerful, or judges, 

or our dearest friends to keep us from professing what is right.

Amen.

*Borrowed from Searching for Sunday, by Rachel Held Evans

Mr. Fix-It

Part of my natural desire is to fix things. I want to make people feel better, improve situations, and correct wrongs. I want to be able to step into tough circumstances and bring a solution that makes a positive difference for everyone. While this may be an admirable quality in some cases, it’s not a healthy approach to investing in people.

Is “fixing" all it’s purported to be anyway? What does that say about how we view the people we care about if we are only concerned with “fixing” them? Are they a problem to be solved? Do we earn merit badges for the number of people whose lives we’ve fixed? Have we reduced their struggles, convictions, life history, and personality to something pithy we aim to correct with a well-timed word or cultural cliche?

Perhaps “fixing" isn’t the solution after all. What if we are meant to illuminate the pathway to Christ and then simply walk in the journey of faith discovery with each other? What if we were genuinely focused on compassionately traveling together and seeking God instead of correcting what we perceive is wrong? No one needs me to swoop down in superhero-fashion to rescue them with my (semi)-wisdom and (pseudo)-courage. I just need to be honest enough to admit I don’t have all the answers, but want to be part of a long-term, loving community exploring the path of spirituality as we follow Christ.

Our personal relationships will improve if we stop trying to “fix” the people we love. Our community influence will increase in authenticity and power as well. This can be a hard shift of mindset for me, but it’s necessary if I want to be genuinely compassionate while sharing the truth of Christ.

Simple Beauty

I love to watch a video which captures the graceful essence of the human spirit. It can be seen in the tender moments of a surprise proposal, a soldier arriving home from war, a random act of kindness, or in engaging another person with genuine interest and concern. I think these are appealing because they remind me of the good things in this world.

There is so much hate in online expressions of opinion and constant demeaning of anyone who looks, acts, or thinks differently. Watching these acts of kindness and love helps me see the positive things we are all capable of. Contrary to what we might experience in online conversation, I believe this reflects who we really are at our core. It more accurately mirrors the way Christ intended us to live.

Imagine the impact in our community if we committed ourselves to consistently sharing simple acts of beauty.

Not What You See

I believe most of us are guilty of making assumptions about other people without considering their full story. We only see their reaction to circumstances or the exterior shell they have constructed while missing the life events that have led to this point. The truth is we don't know the weight they carry nor do we have a clear understanding of the source of their burdens. From a distance we can't know how people are compensating for their wounds as they limp emotionally through life, avoiding anything that might trigger previous pain. Without taking time to investigate, we can dismiss people too quickly as we only see the after effects of life without bothering to see the cause.

We must condition ourselves to avoid rashly judging people based only on what we see. I know I am more than I appear to be and I need to extend that same courtesy to others. If we would share the compassionate understanding we all hope to receive we would discover we much more in common than we might think. At the very least, we would gain genuine compassion for our fellow travelers on life's journey.

Standing the Right Way

In Jewish history, there is a man named Mordecai who served as a guard for the king when the Jews were in exile. Circumstances led to an edict being issued that called for the death of all of the Jews because of one man's personal grudge. Mordecai refused to go into hiding or to run from the situation, but instead humbled himself before God and sought the help of leadership to have the situation changed. Because of his determination, his willingness to do things the right way, and God's deliverance, the Jewish people were saved.  

As I look at his example, I wonder if we are willing to be a Mordecai today? Will we stand against injustice in a God-honoring way? Will we actively seek God on behalf of other people? Will we have the courage to stand for what is right as we stand united for God? 

Relief and deliverance from oppression are a gift from God and He is ready to bring that through faithful people even today. Let's stand together for what is right and stand the right way. 

I See You

Have you ever been so focused that you walked right by someone you knew without acknowledging them? It usually happens to me when I am grocery shopping. I am so zoned in on my list and getting out of the store as quickly as possible that I have been guilty of tunnel vision. Fortunately, most people are understanding once they have gotten my attention and don't hold it against me.

How often do we look past the people around us? Are we aware of the vast number of people we walk by in our community on a daily basis? Do we see them for who they are and understand that they each carry their own burdens? Are we paying attention to our fellow travelers and recognizing them as valued people? 

It's easy to become intently focused on surviving our own schedule and neglect the opportunities to interact with other people. Sometimes the best way to make an immediate impact is to see the person right in front of us.

Problematic

Just because you see the problem doesn’t mean you understand the problem. Carey Nieuwohf

We see poverty, but we don't understand the poverty mindset. We see disconnected families, but don't understand how they arrived here or how to help restore them. We recognize wandering souls, but are clueless on how to help them find their way. We can be part of a community in disunity and yet be clueless about the years of mistrust that brought us here.

Pointing out a problem is not the same as grasping the root cause of it. If we can gain understanding we can begin to find a solution. A drowning person doesn't need us to point out their lack of swimming ability. They need us to throw them a lifeline.

You're Not Alone

I was truly saddened by the news of the passing of Robin Williams yesterday. I recognize that his suicide has drawn more attention because he is a celebrity, but it also brings to light to an area of darkness that we are far too silent about. His tragic choice has temporarily raised awareness of the dangers of depression and the consequences of isolation and mental illness. Sadly, unless you have been in that dark place of contemplation or have directly been affected by suicide, this awareness will fade.

If I had the chance to talk with anyone who is struggling with thoughts of self-harm I would simply say this: don't be quiet about your pain and don't believe the lie that no one cares. I know that it seems too much to handle alone and you're right. Know that there are people who care deeply for you and want to help.

For everyone else I would say: Don't ignore people around you who are quiet and seem troubled. Make the effort to stand with them and let them know that the darkness isn't the final answer. Take the time to listen to people's stories. Listen beyond their words and have the courage to help. We might feel that we aren't qualified to help, but sometimes we just need to let people know that they aren't alone and that we care enough to listen.

Go

It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, 
for which we are accountable.

-Moliere

What will be the defining mark of our generation? The mistakes that we have made through our efforts or the people that have been neglected because we have failed to take action? We will answer for both, but hopefully our mistakes will teach us how to be more effective. The other alternative condemns those around us because we were afraid to try something to save them. It's okay to try something and fail as long as we are making an effort.

One Up

It's not easy to write about an unhealthy communication trap that I am often guilty of falling into. It's much easier just to notice it in other people and be irritated with their habit than to do something about it myself. However, I truly believe it is a common practice that is detrimental to developing genuinely compassionate community. It's the relationship-killing practice of "one-upping."

This is commonly seen when someone shares a story of how difficult things are in their life and we feel the need to top their tale with our own. It quickly becomes a contest to see who can elevate their level of woe above the other. No matter how difficult a present life circumstance might be, we can swing the attention back to ourselves and diminish the other person in just a few sentences. This is not meant to include genuine stories of compassion for the sake of encouragement and reminding people that they are not alone. Sadly, those positive story-tellings are often the exception instead of the norm.

Why do we feel the need to "one-up" somebody? Is it a selfish desire to minimize someones experience and life trials by making our circumstances much worse? Without always recognizing it are we finding ourselves caught in a constant need for inflating our own ego?

Why can't we simply empathize with that person without having to tell our "greater" story? Even if we are wounded from the pain of our own decisions, would it hurt us to focus on the person in front of us? Imagine the difference in our families, workplaces, and community if we cared for the immediate needs of people without having to win the game of "who's situation is worse." Genuine compassion doesn't redirect attention back to ourselves.

Listen to the Story

We all have our own story. Since that is true, that also means that everyone around us has a story as well. We just don't know all the parts of the tale of lives around us. Each story is powerful because it belongs to each of us and is a fundamental part of who we are. Imagine the change in our culture's compassion if we took the time to stop and listen to other people's stories. We might be surprised at what we find.