Becoming Clear

"Muddy water becomes clear if you only let it be still for a while.” Dallas Willard

Have you ever faced a confusing or difficult situation and jumped into action only to make it worse? Our desire to make things right or to force an outcome leads us to stir things up when the better choice might be to let them settle instead. 

Part of my natural reaction is to want to fix things. When I see something out of alignment I want to make it right. I don’t think this is a terrible trait, but I have discovered (often the hard way) that making decisions and taking action before things are clear doesn’t always end well. My eagerness has often led me to moving prematurely before fully understanding what’s really happening.

Over the last decade I’ve learned to pause before jumping into situations and asserting myself. As a person of action that hasn’t been an easy habit to develop but has been honed through many difficult life lessons. This is something each of us can develop if we are committed to change. Over time we can then make the conscious decision to pause, take a deep breath, and carefully examine the situation before deciding what to do.

The habit of patient contemplation is often underrated. Allow yourself time and space to think when things are overwhelming and you are unsure. Learning to be still in our thoughts and actions makes the next step more clear.

Examine It

Every season and experience of life can be helpful if we take a closer look at it. Each change we undergo offers opportunities to learn and to become more than we are today. With that idea in mind as we begin another year, I recently found myself contemplating the question, "What has 2018 taught you?"


-Your calling isn’t defined by your profession. Your profession gives you an opportunity to live out your calling.

-Even when you strive to look at people through the lens of grace they won’t always act gracefully.

-When you’re unsure of where your future path may lead focus on doing the next right thing.

-Your impact on the people around you is greater and longer lasting than you realize.

-You and your family are tougher and can endure more than you might have thought.

-Freedom is a powerful feeling especially when you haven’t experienced it for some time.

-You can start new things no matter your age.

-Sometimes we need to be told someone believes in us so we can take the next step forward.

-Voices and influences that were once vital to your growth can become detrimental after time.

-Seasons and friendships change and that doesn’t take away from the value they once had even if they are no longer as relevant.

-If you’re the only one working to maintain a relationship it’s clearly not as valuable to the other person as it is to you. Have enough respect for yourself to graciously walk away. 

-New beginnings are always available. You may have firmly believed that for others, but it is solidified as one of your values when you experience that truth for yourself.

-You are a survivor and always have been. Don’t forget that key part of your identity just because certain things you once held closely now fall apart.

-What you once thought was the worst thing that could happen to you can turn out to be best thing for your future.


Your perspective on your present will determine your mindset for your future. Keep going and don’t forget what you’ve already learned.

(Un)Learning

We used to have a white mutt of a dog named Zeddie. He was a pretty pitiful dog, but was deeply loved by our family. He was a rescue through another family and it become clear to us early on that he had been abused as a puppy. He become part of our family when he was no more than two years old and yet the abuse he suffered had an impact on him for the rest of his life. He would cringe whenever strangers came around and even acted fearful of us on occasion. No matter how much we continued to love him he still struggled with those base fears that had been imprinted on him when he was younger.

I don't think it's that different for people either. The negative experiences we have in our family of origin, previous relationships, and unhealthy work environments imprint a response on our souls that is difficult to change. Perhaps the most difficult part of our own lifelong education is in un-learning negative patterns, reactions, and assumptions. Like any other lasting change we want to make in our lives this won't happen accidentally. We have to decide to learn not to respond in emotionally unstable ways, not to drift back into destructive habits, and not to flinch every time we approached.

This isn't alway a simple process, but there are some key things we can do to get moving in the right direction.

• Get out of the unhealthy situation: when things are toxic you need to step away for your own safety
• Recognize your negative reactions: increase your self-awareness and see where your past experiences are influencing your present behaviors
• Swap in healthy responses: start changing out fearful, reactionary responses with ones that bring peace to your soul
• Deal with your grief: meet this head-on as you'll need to address what's happened to you instead of burying it deep and hoping it goes away
• Move forward: this sounds easier than it actually is and will take longer than you want it to take.

We won’t get it right the first time or every time, but we will get better as we travel this pathway to healing and learn new ways of living fully.

Learning Curve

Our education doesn't stop the moment we walk across a stage to receive a diploma or degree. It's actually a lifelong process of constant lessons. How effective these lessons are depends on our awareness of them and our receptivity to what they are teaching us. 

The books we read, the people we interact with, the life events we experience, and the decisions we make all have the opportunity to shape us. Much like our time in an actual classroom however, we must be prepared to receive the lesson to take full advantage of what it has to offer. 

Not all lessons are pleasant to endure, but they can all be beneficial if we eventually apply what we've been taught. 

Desire for Flavor

A friend of mine would frequently go on a diet to lose some quick pounds. He kept a pretty strict plan while he was on it and was careful about each food item he ate. He had one quirky behavior while on this plan however. When he had the desire for something sweet, he would chew up a brownie and then spit it out before swallowing it. His thought was that this gave him the taste of chocolate, but it didn't give him the calories he was trying to avoid.

If we take in teaching or an experience and are emotionally stirred but don't apply it to our lives, we are doing the same thing. We've had a taste of something, but haven't ingested it to let it have an impact on our life. If we aren't changed in some way (even minimally) we haven't really committed ourselves to what we've experienced.

Recovery Shot

A good friend of mine who was a high school golf coach once told me that if I wanted to be more successful in the game I needed to learn to hit a decent recovery shot. He said the best golfers realize they won't hit every shot perfectly and have developed the ability to recover from that mistake. Sometimes it's learning to sacrifice to get back on a level playing surface and out of uneven territory. Other times it's about navigating through hazards and tough terrain while moving toward the goal. This shot is something every golfer will need at some point.

I shared this idea with a friend over coffee this morning as I realized how we need the ability to hit a recovery shot whether we play golf or not. We are imperfect people and won't always say the right words, react in the healthiest way, choose the right path, or treat people like they should be treated. When that happens we can either keep plugging along in the wrong direction and cause greater damage or we can recover from our mistakes and poor choices. It isn't realistic to expect people to always make the right decisions, but we can work together to recover and get back on the right path.

Admitting we make mistakes is an important step. It's incomplete, however, if we don't do what's necessary to make things better.

Start Riding

"It's like riding a bike." I've heard that phrase most of my life in relation to an action I've done many times before. The premise is that once you've learned to do something, you'll always know how. What you gain is something called muscle memory that can be triggered in the right situation to help you use skills your mind and body remember.

This is a transferable principle to other areas of our life even though it may not always be positive. If our learned response to stressful circumstances is a negative one, we will tend to fall back into those patterns. When we don’t have time to think about how we want to react our learned instincts take over.

Much like a poorly executed athletic movement, this doesn’t have to be a permanent reaction. We have the ability to learn something new, but need to be willing to invest the time and energy into developing a new skill set. This means we have to recognize our poorly formed habits, commit to learning a better method, and then continuing to practice it until it becomes our new reality. The increase in eventual positive response will make it worth our efforts.

Learning As I Go

I'm running my second 1/2 marathon tomorrow morning after my first in November. I actually only ended up taking a week off after that race before jumping back into the preparation phase. In retrospect I might have done things differently, but I'm on the eve of this race and ready to run anyway. At this point there are only small things I can do to change my readiness for tomorrow.

This time of training has given me several things to think about and they don't just relate to running. The lesson of needing rest has been reinforced to me more than once. It's not just about the time off from actual activity, but the also the need for down time and more sleep. Hopefully I'm learning how to fuel myself better in the process and discover what gives me the best energy reserves for endurance. There is also great power in variety and learning to change up the things I do to make myself better. Having a firm objective in front of me is also vital as it helps provide the structure to keep me disciplined when I don't necessarily want to be. One of the greatest lessons is in learning to peak at the right time. I told my wife I felt as if I was most ready to race two weeks ago instead of pacing myself better with the big day in mind.

I believe there are potential learning opportunities in everything we do if we are willing to look for them. I feel as if I do a fairly decent job of identifying them and now have the more difficult task of putting what I learn into practice.

No Clue

I like to have the right answer. This is partially because I want to help people understand, but it's also fueled by a selfish desire to be needed (and correct!) There were times when I used to try to come up with something that sounded right and would quickly backtrack if I felt I wasn't providing the correct response. I'll also admit I didn't want to appear to be stupid by not knowing the correct response. I felt as if I should know the answers to my field of specialty even though no one could possibly know everything.

Through some hard personal lessons and hopefully some maturity, I have learned to relax this tension of needing to have an answer. I've actually found great freedom in three simple words: "I don't know." This confession of my lack of knowledge puts me on equal footing with the questioner. It means that I haven't necessarily committed all potential responses to memory nor have I figured out the secrets to all of life's mysteries. It's an answer that reveals my humanness and allows the opportunity for a collaborative effort to learn the truth. Confessing my lack of confidence in a particular response creates room for growth and a common potential of discovery.

Isn't it funny how admitting my lack of knowledge can actually be one of the smartest things I could ever do?

Look Around

I loved teaching at Mainland High School. I struggled through it some in the early years as I figured out what I was doing, but soon discovered a passion for teaching. The classroom was a place of enjoyment for me (mostly), but the most powerful education was shared in other ways. I quickly discovered greater impact through non-traditional "teachable moments." These would present themselves in small group interactions, discussing societal events that impacted all of us, and one-to-one conversations in non-traditional environments. The key to taking advantage of these was to always be on the lookout for a time to share. My willingness to share and the student's desire to learn could be shaped through all of these apparently random moments.

Life is full of teachable moments even today. Our life experiences, relationships, and personal interactions are always providing learning opportunities. What we read, watch, and listen to can stretch us in new ways while causing us to think in deeper levels. Regardless of our age, all of life can teach us new things if we are willing to learn. Are we paying attention to the possibilities all around us?

An open mind, a desire to grow, and a willingness to put things into action are all that are necessary to take advantage of the teachable moments life provides.

Seasonal

Recent years have taught me many things about relationships. These have not always been pleasant lessons, but the fruit of growth is (usually) worth the difficulty in the middle of learning. I've had to discover better ways to communicate, how to be an encouraging, positive source of energy, and worked to transform my reactions to a more thoughtful, compassionate style. Needless to say, I still have a lot to learn.

One of the most difficult lessons I've learned isn't really about my people skills at all, however. I'm gaining an understanding that some relationships are only for certain seasons of life. Not all of our friends, the people we work with, or other close relations will remain in our lives forever. While this might be a tough truth to swallow at first, it's essential to accept for our own stability. This truth doesn't diminish our current relationships, but actually allows us to enjoy them for as long as we have them. I hope this encourages me to deeply appreciate relationships for as long as they last and to see how they were valuable parts of life even if only for a season.

Stretch Your Mind

I am at the Next Level Conference at Savannah Christian Church this week with part of our staff. It's always a challenging and encouraging time when you are exposed to great leadership. It's very practical and also mentally stimulating with a variety of experiences. Part of the difficulty of the week is gathering all of this information and then determining what to do with it once you return home.

Any learning experience poses the same dilemma. There is a need to be receptive to innovation and personal transformation while not overreacting to what we hear. It's the discerning mind that is able to sort through, find the most valuable piece of knowledge, and then put it into practice for lasting change. When we aren't able to do this effectively we end up hearing a lot of good information and never changing anything at all.

Learn Something New

I learned two things that were new to me yesterday.

Fact #1: I had no idea that cows produced more milk in winter months. I guess it's too much effort in summer to make it.

Fact #2: The word "materiels" is not a misspelling when you are on a military base. It actually applies to the equipment, apparatus, and supplies of a military force.

I don't know how much more well-rounded these bits of knowledge have made me, but it does help fulfill an ambition of learning something new each day. It's when we neglect to keep learning that we stop growing as a leader and a person.

It's Not Perfect

In the face of the uncertainty of life I'm doing the best I can right now. What I do will never be as perfect as I would like it to be. The truth is that I will only frustrate myself if I focus on making the exact right decision with perfect timing at every opportunity.

Instead I need to keep learning from each situation, apologize when I am in error, and trust God to make things right in His perfection. I don't have all (or sometimes many) of the answers, but I'm trying to learn and make corrections along the way. Sometimes I might be anxious about making a decision because I don't want it to be wrong or for it to cause too much damage. At some point I just have to prayerfully consider my options, humbly accept the teachable moments, and move on with God's grace fueling me.

I tend to think it's fairly sound advice for all of us.

Expiration Dates

We had to dump out a full gallon of milk the other day since it was no longer good. That's never usually an issue at our house as we tend to go through milk fairly quickly, but the expiration date was obviously not accurate. It was a brand new gallon that had an expiry date of August 26th, but it was clearly spoiled. I hated to waste the money (and good milk), but it serves as a reminder that everything comes to an end at some point.

That had me thinking about expiration dates in other areas of our lives too. We obviously all have a life expiration date although it is not necessarily known by us. There are other more short-term areas too: employment venues, some relationships, careers, opportunities, and tough (and good) seasons. While we tend to think of this in only in a negative fashion it might help us to realize the end of something isn't always a detriment to our health. We can learn from how things come to a conclusion and hopefully improve our next season. We can begin to anticipate when those moments will take place and prepare to handle them in a more balanced fashion.

There is no way to completely halt these times, but we can decide to be prepared so that we are not caught unawares and left with a sour taste in our mouths.

Go

It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, 
for which we are accountable.

-Moliere

What will be the defining mark of our generation? The mistakes that we have made through our efforts or the people that have been neglected because we have failed to take action? We will answer for both, but hopefully our mistakes will teach us how to be more effective. The other alternative condemns those around us because we were afraid to try something to save them. It's okay to try something and fail as long as we are making an effort.

Hidden Meaning

I love to learn. I like to learn how to do new things, to read about new ideas, and to hear different perspectives. I have also developed the skill of learning things in unexpected environments. It's the lessons we pick up out of unplanned places that sometimes provide the most poignantly powerful meaning. These are found in movies, current events, brief conversations, and by simply listening to the people around you. It's a reminder that all of life is available for us to learn from if we are willing to pay attention. We learn to shift our perception of the things happening around us and glean nuggets of valuable information that help us to mature. In fact, this is absolutely essential if we want to be successful. 

Leaders who don't learn won't grow and eventually won't be leading.

Earning It

The NFL draft is wrapping up this week and the months of predictive analysis will now continue with months of event analysis. Everyone will want to know if the experts were able to correctly predict a player's NFL success based on his college work.

I was thinking about the college players who were drafted this morning and the high level of success they experienced at the collegiate level. Some of them have won Heisman trophies, player of the year awards, All-American honors, conference championships, and national championships. Those are all impressive accolades, but they don't guarantee anything professionally. All of their college accomplishments have only earned them an opportunity to succeed at the next level. Now that the draft is over no one cares about what they have done in their past, but only want to see what they will do next.

I don't know that's quite as cut and dry for the rest of us, but there is some truth to that principle. Our past leadership decisions don't guarantee our future success, but they do provide us the opportunity to make the next right decision. Even with an impressive pedigree we still have to be disciplined and focused enough to bring our best for the future. We might buy ourselves a bit of grace with our history, but at some point we'll need to step up our game enough to make a difference at the next level.

New Territory

Our oldest daughter has been invited to prom this coming Friday and the past week has been filled with planning, shopping (dress, shoes, accessories, oh my) and conversations. We have great friends who were able to make the dress shopping much easier than it should have been. We are genuinely glad for Lindsay and this opportunity to go to prom. I should probably admit that it's also her first real date. Needless to say, it's a lot of firsts in one week and a reminder that our ladies are not so little any more.

We were shopping for her shoes today and it took a while to find something that she liked, that fit our budget, and were able to be worn again. I love my girls' unique tastes and personality and knew it would take a while to find the right fit. My Lindsay is so sweet that she apologized to me while we were paying for taking so long. I immediately told her that there was nothing wrong about this at all. We were all new to this whole process and it was good for us to learn and experience it together.

That's a fairly accurate description of parenting right there. Every day we keep entering into new territory, but we get to do it together. We are walking this path as parents and children while we learn together. We show each other patience, offer forgiveness, keep talking honestly and openly with each other, and spend a large amount of time in prayer. It's a newness that excites me and also scares me a bit. I don't have all of the answers, but we'll do this together in love and I feel pretty good about us growing in unity along the way.

On the Job Training

I want to be an effective leader in my family, personal life, and in ministry. I know that leadership is one of my gifts and yet I'm also very aware of the need to develop that gift. There are ridiculous amounts of materials available to help, but some of the longest-lasting lessons are the ones that are learned in action. There are simply some things that are best taught by experience-whether it's the satisfaction of a good decision or careful analysis after a poor choice. The life lessons learned in our successes and missteps are recalled most quickly and have the longest lasting impact on our future decisions.

While there is merit in learning to lead, at some point you need to lead to learn.