I Should...

Have you ever said “I should…” when describing where you feel you are supposed to be in maturity, health, and preparation? I’ve recognized my own list of “shoulds” that have been part of my thinking.

I should...

Be stronger
Be better at this
Be able to figure this out
Be farther along on my journey
Have a better plan
Have more money saved
Be in better shape
Be over this by now
Have better relationships
Be able to adjust more quickly
Be able do more
Be able to bounce back more quickly
Know better

There is a dangerous line between wanting to grow and using the word "should" as a way to shame yourself for things you aren't. Shifting your mindset to use the word “could” instead can actually be helpful. Examining yourself with a healthy perspective allows you to see progressive growth even if you aren’t as far along on that path as you would like to be.

Should is filled with shame. Could is filled with potential.

Keep pushing yourself to become your best version, but don't let gaps in growth and temporary setbacks define your character. See your potential without punishing yourself for not fully living it out yet. Each day presents another opportunity to move closer to your most complete self.

(Un)Learning

We used to have a white mutt of a dog named Zeddie. He was a pretty pitiful dog, but was deeply loved by our family. He was a rescue through another family and it become clear to us early on that he had been abused as a puppy. He become part of our family when he was no more than two years old and yet the abuse he suffered had an impact on him for the rest of his life. He would cringe whenever strangers came around and even acted fearful of us on occasion. No matter how much we continued to love him he still struggled with those base fears that had been imprinted on him when he was younger.

I don't think it's that different for people either. The negative experiences we have in our family of origin, previous relationships, and unhealthy work environments imprint a response on our souls that is difficult to change. Perhaps the most difficult part of our own lifelong education is in un-learning negative patterns, reactions, and assumptions. Like any other lasting change we want to make in our lives this won't happen accidentally. We have to decide to learn not to respond in emotionally unstable ways, not to drift back into destructive habits, and not to flinch every time we approached.

This isn't alway a simple process, but there are some key things we can do to get moving in the right direction.

• Get out of the unhealthy situation: when things are toxic you need to step away for your own safety
• Recognize your negative reactions: increase your self-awareness and see where your past experiences are influencing your present behaviors
• Swap in healthy responses: start changing out fearful, reactionary responses with ones that bring peace to your soul
• Deal with your grief: meet this head-on as you'll need to address what's happened to you instead of burying it deep and hoping it goes away
• Move forward: this sounds easier than it actually is and will take longer than you want it to take.

We won’t get it right the first time or every time, but we will get better as we travel this pathway to healing and learn new ways of living fully.

Renovation Project

We haven't had television services at home for many years, but when we travel we end up glued to the screen watching home renovation shows. There is something incredibly compelling about the journey of seeing something transformed and repurposed. While there are a variety of different shows, the basic premise and story arc is the same.

It always begins with a vision and excitement about the potential at the beginning of the project. Once the work is fully engaged, however, there are always unexpected costs and complications. When the layers are pulled back there ends up being underlying damage to the structure that couldn't be previously seen. At some point in the project the owners will be frustrated and express their doubts about whether the renovation will ever be completed. There is always a turning point where things begin to come together and every owner is always amazed at how beautiful things turn out at the end.

I don't think this story arc is much different for the spiritual renovation work we do in our own lives. Any project we go through gets messier before it gets fresh and new. The complications we run into will most likely lead us into wanting to give up before it's done. This process also won't wrap up neatly into a 30 minute episode, but ends up taking longer than we may have initially projected. The good news is that we can gain some confidence in knowing that if we continue to push forward it will turn out better than we anticipated.

Strange Shape

"And I became such a strange shape, 

such a strange shape from trying to fit in

Yeah, I became such a strange shape, such a strange shape"

“Wilson” Fall Out Boy

There is a distinct difference between “fitting in” and “belonging.” Author Brene Brown nails it when she writes, "“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” 

Constantly trying to fit in isn’t being true to yourself. It is a marker of an off-balance dynamic where you feel pressure to change your real nature to conform to someone else’s ideal. It’s an unhealthy stretching that doesn’t cause you to step more fully into your fulfilled self, but to become less of who you truly are.

You know when you aren’t living out of your genuine identity. It causes internal tension that manifests in uneven emotional and spiritual states, difficulty finding healthy rhythms of life, and stagnant transformational growth. Over time it will inevitably be revealed that you still won’t be good enough for those who are trying to get you to fit in. They will be unhappy with their lack of total control and you will be left feeling unfulfilled and incomplete. It’s better to be in community with people who create an accepting space for you to mature into the most real, growing, grace-filled person you can be.

Don’t settle for less by squeezing into an ill-fitting form. You can’t be the best version of yourself when you are stretching yourself in unnatural ways. If you aren't careful, you might get stuck in that strange shape.

Learning to Speak Again

I have a fairly distinctive speaking voice. It’s a deep voice that I’ve learned to project through years of theater, working on athletic fields, and public speaking. There have been times I’ve walked into rooms and spoken with people who recognize me instantly because of the sound of my voice. I’ve even been told the that my voice is intimidating to some who may not have as strong-sounding a voice. I’ve grown to be comfortable with it as part of who I am and I have become attuned to using it in the right situations as I’ve aged.

We all have a voice that is distinctive. It may not necessarily be one that booms out from a stage or across playing fields, but each one is unique and has an important message to be communicated. Each of our voices is a key to who we are as it reveals our passions, fears, convictions, and perspectives.

There is a growth curve in learning to use it in a way that is helpful, however. We need a safe space to communicate and to know that it is okay for us to be who we are. When we are in places that stifle our voice and only want it to speak the script written by others, we are in danger of losing our identity and forgetting who our Creator has made us to be. Regaining that confidence can take time and will almost certainly require a monumental shift in what influences we allow into our own lives.

Our individual voices are needed as we speak into the greater collective of humanity around us. While the sound we make may be a little squeaky from under-use, we’ll find it gets easier over time as we use it more.

Speak up, my friends. Speak words of peace, kindness, curiosity, and grace. Speak up against those who hold you back from discovering and living out your true identity. Let your voice be as distinctive as it is already designed to be and don’t be ashamed of what it sounds like.

Preparation Matters

Getting ready to play a baseball game takes more preparation than you might think. Not only do the players have to go through their routines of warming up, but the playing field has to be readied as well. There are several hours of work that are necessary before the first pitch. You couldn't just decide you wanted to play a game, ignore the steps to get ready, and expect things to turn out well.

I think we forget about the need for preparation when we want to do something big in our lives. Our desire for something new or better serves as motivation for better decisions, but we falsely expect to see immediate results. Changing our physical health involves a plan for better eating and exercise. Improving our family relationships means taking the time to listen to each other, apologizing for the past, and honestly engaging each day. Taking the next step professionally means we have to excel at our current position while taking steps to improve ourselves and connect with other people. Being a vital part of our community involves ongoing honest dialogue and a willingness to enter into life with people in tangible ways.

What steps do you need to take to get ready for what's next in your own life? Commit to the necessary work of preparation as part of the path of growth and change.

Pick One

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." Yogi Berra

Yogi was famous for saying things that didn't always seem to connect. At first glance, this saying appears to be another slightly confusing bit of wisdom that doesn't add up. If you look at it a little more closely, however, it is better advice than it might appear at first.

On our life's journey we will inevitably come to a point where we are presented with different options. It may be related to our health, career, relationships, spirituality, or even our finances. When confronted with those new directions, we will need to decide which one we think is best and then move down that path. If we don't take action, we'll stop moving forward and become paralyzed by our indecision.

It's okay to pause and figure out our next best step, but at some point we've got to take a step if we want to keep going.

Know Yourself

One of the hardest parts of personal growth is self-awareness. I know of very few people who are completely self-aware, but I know far too many who have no apparent self-awareness at all. This makes personal interactions difficult and also complicates lasting life transformation.

Having self-awareness is having a correct view of who you are. It is what is true about yourself and is the first step for growth and development. Looking introspectively reveals a willingness to confront and change negative behaviors while reinforcing positive interactions and attitudes. This is a growth process which takes a heaping dose of humility as we see things we may not want to see, but need to recognize if we want to grow.

This wasn't always an area of strength for me and while I am far from where I would like to be, I feel I am more cognizant of who I am than I used to be. This has been helped by people who cared enough to tell me the truth and were patient as I worked on improving. It hasn't (isn't) been an easy process, but the consistent work pays off in better relationships and an improved understanding of who I really am moving forward.

Continually Updating

Two years ago I started a journey of personal transformation. I had reached my IHHE moment (I Have Had Enough) and committed to a a lifestyle change to improve my physical health. I didn't know exactly how things were going to progress, but I knew I wasn't content to let them stay the same. It hasn't always been easy and there have been some potential detours in the road, but I have maintained my focus and kept pushing forward. I don't know exactly where this will end up or exactly what I will look like in the future, but I feel more confident walking down this pathway.

I am still a work in progress in many different ways and not just physically. I want to see my compassion increase, my emotional health improve, to become wiser, to increase in positive influence, to be a more fully devoted follower of Christ, and to find new ways to use my personal strengths to help others. I want to be an improved husband, father, and friend who benefits the lives of others. While I may be on the right track in some of these areas, I also recognize how far I have to go. Thankfully, my entire life is part of this journey and as long as I am drawing breath I have space to improve.

There is the potential for a better version of me in the future (Craig 2.1 if you will) and I am not content to stick with the present condition. I'm willing to work even when it isn't easy and chase after that vision even though I don't know exactly what I will look like. I do know that this commitment will bring noticeable changes over time and that can sometimes be the fuel I need to carry on.

Know Yourself

A few days ago I was in the gym and a news broadcast was on the big screen TV nearby. I happened to look up while they were interviewing one of the vice presidential candidates and saw on closed caption what he was saying. In just a few sentences he took a personally directed question and turned it around to blast his opponent. It was a quick, learned response that avoided answering the question he was originally asked and focused on diminishing the opposition. I never did see him respond to the personal question as he was too busy telling people why he wasn't like somebody else.

This response provided an interesting observation into human behavior. So often, we focus on what we aren't instead of being clear about who we actually are. Solidifying our personal strengths and being confident in them (without being arrogant) puts forth a better representation of who we truly are. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your perspective) this takes a good dose of self-awareness and the godly confidence to be content with who we are. This doesn't mean we are complacent and perfectly happy with our present state, but that we are willing to be a work in progress and be comfortable as we keep growing.

Own who you are as a work in progress and focus on your next steps of change. That's a healthier approach than elevating yourself by pushing others downward.

Growing Older

Growing older each year isn't an event that has usually affected me emotionally. I haven't been too caught up in the "number" of my age, but have felt fairly content with each phase of life and the idea of getting older. For some reason, however, turning 45 this year has caused me to be more contemplative than usual. I don't know if it's the realization of being halfway through my 40's or checking off a different age bracket (no longer marking the "36-44" box) that has me thinking more about getting older, but this birthday is one that has been looming on the horizon of my mind for several months.

In spite of my thoughts about my age, I've never felt better physically and am in the best shape of my life. Our girls are maturing with one entering college this year and the other two to follow right behind as we enjoy this season of life with them. My wife and I are in our 22nd year of marriage (25th year of being a couple) and are still madly in love. I believe in the calling God has on my life and look forward to these next steps as He continues to guide us forward. With all of those positive things, I still find myself pausing to think more about aging this year than most.

I suppose it is because I am beginning to comprehend the overall brevity of time and windows of opportunity in front of me. Even though those may be open for another 30-45 years, it still is focusing me on the value of each day and how I choose to spend it. I don't want to waste moments I've been given and yet don't want to rush through anything either. This one life is a gift I have been given and I have a deep desire to use it wisely. This is a truth that hasn't changed since I was a teenager, but I am starting to grasp the tremendous value of it as I move farther along my own timeline.

It's been a relatively good ride so far and I'm ready to do what I can to make sure the next part of the journey is just as enjoyable.

Enjoying the Comfort

We have owned this couch for several years now. It isn't one we purchased, but was a hand-me-down gift from friends as they were moving. My wife recovered it and we bought new pillows for it, but it's definitely an old couch. I suppose we could buy a new one, but this one is still comfortable and it doesn't cost me anything to keep. If we were to buy a new couch we would have to shop around for a good bargain, find something we could agree on, and decide if it fits in our house. It's just easier to keep the old one since I already know what I've got and there is no risk involved.

What might seem like solid logic for furniture isn't necessarily the best guide for other decisions in my life. Always staying with something comfortable and familiar doesn't open up new opportunities and pathways of influence. Even though there is very little risk in sticking with old patterns and methods, there also isn't a great opportunity for growth. The truth is we won't discover if something fits us until we give it a shot. We might find the newness is more comfortable than we thought possible once we risk the opportunity in front of us.

Indirect Benefit

Life is filled with potentially powerful opportunities if we take advantage of them. Short-term mission trips are one of those unique moments. The entire process of putting a group together is a tremendous process. Each team has been a combination of diverse personalities with interesting stories of how they chose to go on the trip. The preparation and fundraising phase is always gratifying as we see needs met and an outpouring of generosity. On the mission field, the collective efforts of a team are fairly amazing to observe as projects come together and people are ministered to. 

The greatest moment on the mission trip might be somewhat selfish in its focus, however. I've found the longest lasting impact is in what I discover about myself. Choosing to serve others provides a mirror in which we see ourselves more clearly. Consciously putting mental and physical efforts into thinking about the needs of others removes barriers of selfishness that normally prevent us from recognizing certain truths about who we are. In the vulnerability of working to help people, we open up our souls to truths that help us grow and show the possibility of who we could become. 

(Not) The Best

I will readily admit I am not all I could be. There is always a gap between who I would like to be and the man I am right now. It's not always a comfortable reality to confront, but I'm learning to be at peace in the process of growth.

The truth is that my family probably deserves a better husband and father. The rest of my family deserves a better son and brother. My friends certainly deserve a better friend. The people I am called to minister to deserve a better pastor. In spite of what they may all deserve, however, I'm the one they have. This doesn't diminish the value of my role or the importance I play in their life. Instead it energizes me to be the best version of myself I can be.

We have options when we are faced with our own shortcomings. There is always the option to take the path of denial and try to pretend they aren't real even though they are apparent to those who know us. We can choose to let them overwhelm and discourage us as we allow the weight of our human imperfections to crush our spirit. The path of transparent growth is our best option. This motivates us to have a realistic view of who we are while striving to become better people. It's the healthiest, if not the most simple decision to make for our future.

Taking this path will actually shape us into being the person the people in our life need the most.

Where I'm Going

"Don’t judge me in terms of what I am, but how far I’ve come, 

and in terms of where I hope to go in life." 

Tony Campolo

It’s too easy to do the opposite of what Tony says and only judge people by what we see in the present. Even when we know someone well we can ignore their personal growth journey and only focus on what we see in this moment. Instead of hammering them for what they haven’t achieved yet, we should celebrate the steps along the journey of growth. This highlights the difficult personal choices they have made and encourages them to keep moving forward in maturity at the same time.

I often forget to extend that idea of gracious thought to myself. I want to be so much more than I currently am—a deeply devoted follower of Christ, more thoughtful husband, an encouraging father, and a helpful colleague. When I look at where I don’t measure up in those expectations, I can fall into the trap of neglecting how far I’ve come in my own growth. This doesn’t give me license to stop moving forward, but should encourage me to keep maturing and developing as a man.

I’ve got to believe this is true for the people my life intersects with so that it can also be true for me.

Answering the Call

Earlier this year I wrote about the power of a "one word" focus and how it shapes the rest of the year. My word for this year is "calling" and I'm still working through what it means and how the rest of my decisions should be shaped by it. There is more depth in this particular word than I can adequately define right now, but I think that's part of the process of spending the year working through it. I do believe we each have them (several actually) that should guide us the decisions we make and the way we spend our energies.

I don't want to reduce the power of a calling to an action list of behaviors, but I also recognize some necessary steps to live it out:

-Realize you have one. This isn't just about your career passion, but the total person you're becoming.

-Develop the skills to support it. A passionate desire needs to be paired with a willingness to learn how to be better.

-Let it be the mission that fuels your choices. This should lead us to make decisions to increase our integrity and strengthen our character in pursuit of our calling. Everything we do should be structured by our desire to completely live this out.

Exploring your calling can be frightening especially as we are stretched to grow in new areas and to work on our areas of weakness. The satisfaction we gain from living fully in this will be worth the work we have to put in to make it a genuine part of who we are becoming.

Self Realization

There is a certain standard of excellence for the men's basketball program at Duke University which ranks them as elite. They are almost always in the in line for national title contention, produce NBA players, and are led by one of the best coaches in the history of basketball. After winning the national title last year, they have struggled to live up to the expectations of their program during this season. While their record would be more than acceptable at most schools, the team has struggled to find the normal expected consistency of Duke basketball.

Head coach Mike Krzyzewski recognizes this and was quoted after a recent of losses saying, "The margin between us winning and losing is narrow... we need to realize who we are." I think Coach K is saying his team needs to recognize their identity and learn to adapt their style based on that reality. If they are not as talented as their teams have been in the past, they will need to work harder to achieve their goal of winning. Their margin for error is less than it might have been in previous years.

This honest self-assessment isn't always easy to undertake, but it's essential if we want to be successful. We need to know who we are and what we're capable of doing to discover areas we can improve. I believe we can surpass some personal levels with reshaping and dedication, but this is less feasible without an understanding of who we currently are.

Looking Ahead

"Some days you don't feel like going in that weight room, but you have to remind yourself where you want to be once you do get back up there,"
Zack Wheeler, NY Mets pitcher recovering from Tommy John surgery.


Zack Wheeler wants to pitch and be part of the dynamic Mets staff. As a fan, I want him back out there too because he makes the team better overall. I also appreciate how he practices discipline while keeping his eyes focused on his goal. He obviously doesn't just want to return to the mound, but wants to be successful once he gets there. Zack has a vision for where he wants to go and how he wants to perform once his opportunity arrives.

I need those reminders for myself. I believe I have a vision for where I want to go and need to use each day as preparation for future opportunities. We can each have this focus for the different areas of our lives--family, personal growth, career, and our spiritual journey. Realizing the work we put in today will affect us in the future gives more meaning to the present even as we anticipate fulfilling our vision.

Eye Opening Discovery

As I’m reading through the entire Bible this year, I was in the book of Leviticus and the descriptions of offerings for sin and worship. While it may sometimes seem to be dry reading, there was a portion which seemed to jump out at me. In it was a description of what should be done if you sin unintentionally and finally become aware of it. While the details were in the type of offering, it was the idea of becoming aware which seemed so strong to me.

I will confess I have not always been the most self-aware person. I wasn’t always cognizant of the impact I had on other people or the effect my words, attitude, and actions had on them. In the last several years some maturity on my part combined with caring mentors (and a very patient, loving wife) have helped me to open my eyes and see things more clearly. It’s something I consistently work at so I can be intentional with my influence while caring directly for the people around me at the same time.

I don’t have a specific formula or simple three step action plan for how to become more aware of who we are. I believe it starts with a willingness to work at it, a genuine concern for the people around us, and the patient diligence to keep shaping ourselves. A solid foundation of awareness creates community.

Do or Be?

This is a time of year when most people are thinking about personal changes, creating new positive habits, and ridding themselves of negative ones. The change of calendar year stirs up thoughts of new hope and the possibility of improving who we are. These lists can be challenging and exciting while thinking about the changes we hope to go through in hopes of being better people. This often ends up in discouragement unfortunately as we abandon our lists before checking things off.

I'm discovering the key to long term success is in adopting the right mindset. Instead of focusing goals and objectives on what we want to accomplish, we should focus on who we want to become. This moves from just being a list of things I am going to do and becomes actions which help to shape me into the man I want to be. Even as I refine my own list of goals, I am looking at them through the lens of the man I hope to be at the end of this year. That perspective is a stronger motivator than being able to mark off my accomplishments twelve months from now.