Know Yourself

One of the hardest parts of personal growth is self-awareness. I know of very few people who are completely self-aware, but I know far too many who have no apparent self-awareness at all. This makes personal interactions difficult and also complicates lasting life transformation.

Having self-awareness is having a correct view of who you are. It is what is true about yourself and is the first step for growth and development. Looking introspectively reveals a willingness to confront and change negative behaviors while reinforcing positive interactions and attitudes. This is a growth process which takes a heaping dose of humility as we see things we may not want to see, but need to recognize if we want to grow.

This wasn't always an area of strength for me and while I am far from where I would like to be, I feel I am more cognizant of who I am than I used to be. This has been helped by people who cared enough to tell me the truth and were patient as I worked on improving. It hasn't (isn't) been an easy process, but the consistent work pays off in better relationships and an improved understanding of who I really am moving forward.

Know Yourself

A few days ago I was in the gym and a news broadcast was on the big screen TV nearby. I happened to look up while they were interviewing one of the vice presidential candidates and saw on closed caption what he was saying. In just a few sentences he took a personally directed question and turned it around to blast his opponent. It was a quick, learned response that avoided answering the question he was originally asked and focused on diminishing the opposition. I never did see him respond to the personal question as he was too busy telling people why he wasn't like somebody else.

This response provided an interesting observation into human behavior. So often, we focus on what we aren't instead of being clear about who we actually are. Solidifying our personal strengths and being confident in them (without being arrogant) puts forth a better representation of who we truly are. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your perspective) this takes a good dose of self-awareness and the godly confidence to be content with who we are. This doesn't mean we are complacent and perfectly happy with our present state, but that we are willing to be a work in progress and be comfortable as we keep growing.

Own who you are as a work in progress and focus on your next steps of change. That's a healthier approach than elevating yourself by pushing others downward.

Tough Audience

I’ve spoken to a wide variety of audiences in the past twenty plus years. The size of the group has varied from just a few to over a thousand and the setting has been just as different. In recent years it has been mostly adults, but there have been a large number of youth as well. There have been classroom settings, church congregations, youth groups, middle school camps, wedding and funeral attendees, conferences, and devotional thoughts. While I was always invited to speak (in one way or another) that doesn’t mean I was always well received. Some were eagerly open to what I had to say, some maintained tolerance (with a dash of indifference), and others were openly hostile, although that was rare. The receptivity of the crowd and the circumstances surrounding our communication would determine how tough the audience was.

If I was asked to identify the toughest audience I ever had to speak to, it wouldn’t be a difficult question to answer. It wouldn’t be a youth group or a disgruntled group of adults resistant to a message of change. The truth is that the toughest audience I’ve ever had to speak to is me. I know me far too well, think too cynically at times, and don’t always believe the positive things I tell myself. Even when I know what I have to say is good for me, I don’t always take it as well as I should.

A good speaker finds a way to connect with their listeners even through their resistance. You change your approach, use humor to loosen them up, and feel the tone of the room to discover if you’re making an impact. It’s interesting how changing things up is the best way for me to learn to listen to my own voice of reason.

Self Realization

There is a certain standard of excellence for the men's basketball program at Duke University which ranks them as elite. They are almost always in the in line for national title contention, produce NBA players, and are led by one of the best coaches in the history of basketball. After winning the national title last year, they have struggled to live up to the expectations of their program during this season. While their record would be more than acceptable at most schools, the team has struggled to find the normal expected consistency of Duke basketball.

Head coach Mike Krzyzewski recognizes this and was quoted after a recent of losses saying, "The margin between us winning and losing is narrow... we need to realize who we are." I think Coach K is saying his team needs to recognize their identity and learn to adapt their style based on that reality. If they are not as talented as their teams have been in the past, they will need to work harder to achieve their goal of winning. Their margin for error is less than it might have been in previous years.

This honest self-assessment isn't always easy to undertake, but it's essential if we want to be successful. We need to know who we are and what we're capable of doing to discover areas we can improve. I believe we can surpass some personal levels with reshaping and dedication, but this is less feasible without an understanding of who we currently are.

Eye Opening Discovery

As I’m reading through the entire Bible this year, I was in the book of Leviticus and the descriptions of offerings for sin and worship. While it may sometimes seem to be dry reading, there was a portion which seemed to jump out at me. In it was a description of what should be done if you sin unintentionally and finally become aware of it. While the details were in the type of offering, it was the idea of becoming aware which seemed so strong to me.

I will confess I have not always been the most self-aware person. I wasn’t always cognizant of the impact I had on other people or the effect my words, attitude, and actions had on them. In the last several years some maturity on my part combined with caring mentors (and a very patient, loving wife) have helped me to open my eyes and see things more clearly. It’s something I consistently work at so I can be intentional with my influence while caring directly for the people around me at the same time.

I don’t have a specific formula or simple three step action plan for how to become more aware of who we are. I believe it starts with a willingness to work at it, a genuine concern for the people around us, and the patient diligence to keep shaping ourselves. A solid foundation of awareness creates community.

Self Made

Mrs. Spivey was an older woman who lived a few houses down from me when I was in junior high. She was retired, but delivered the evening paper for extra income. She asked me if I wanted to work for her and make $45 a month folding papers on her route. I would go over after school and sit in the back seat of her car and fold up the papers while she delivered them. It made her afternoon go by faster and it was easy income for me.

I remember one afternoon in particular when we were out on our route. We had done our prep work and were pulling up to our first house. From my spot in the back seat I heard a loud thud and then wild laughter from Mrs. Spivey. I jerked my head up to see what had happened and heard through her cackles, “I forgot to roll the window down!” No matter how hard she tried to deliver that paper her own window being rolled up was going to prohibit that desire.

When we face obstacles to our progress, we can often fall into the trap of blaming other people or even giving credit to satan for messing with us. If we examined things a bit more closely, I think we might find much of that interference is of our own making. We have allowed our past to hinder our forward progress, have neglected to work diligently, or created new stumbling blocks in our own mind. No forward progress can be made until we remove the obstacle we’ve put in our own path.

Making It True

Social scientists call the effects of naming a self-fulfilling prophecy or the Pygmalion effect. When we think something negative or positive about a person, it tends to come true because we alter the context enough to make it come true, or we alter our perception enough to believe it is true.

I believe there can be positive and negative aspects of this. We can choose to speak the positive things we want to be true about ourselves and then work to make it happen. We can also convince ourselves of falsehoods that inhibit our belief in personal growth or fill us with fake confidence which leaves us lacking in moments of true testing.

This is a personal battle zone for me as I have struggled in the past with incorrect self-talk. I’ve discovered the best way to succeed is to remind myself of an unwavering truth and see myself as a son of God. Even though I may continue to battle my own self-fulfilling prophecies, I can be certain of my position as a citizen of the Kingdom of heaven. This truth gives me strength and courage to push through my own boundaries and speak the right words that will help me.

If we do not see ourselves as beloved children of God we will never act like it in moments of temptation, crisis, or growth.

Defining the Competition

Yesterday I wrote about the significance of understanding that I am in competition with my own expectations. Recognizing that truth is key, but I also have to clearly define it so I know what I am up against.

When I’m striving to be a better man, the biggest threats come mostly from inside of me. While outside factors obviously influence me, I react differently based on how I am succeeding in my internal fight. My success in the competition with myself will determine how well I navigate the challenges in front of me.

Often it’s the battle of the weight of my past decisions that hinders my growth. Sometimes it’s the frequent reminders of my own shortcomings and weaknesses that I can’t escape. Frequently it’s the internal conversations that can spin into negativity instead of being positively centered. When I am winning this competition I feel as if I can overcome any obstacle. When I am losing this battle even little things can knock me off course.

To become the man I want to be I have to be aware of this competition and fight diligently to overcome the wrong type of thinking. These are battles I have to win if I’m going to get further down the road.

Step Back

I was talking with a friend of mine today who has just recently returned from a trip out west. He told me that he had shared with his wife that he wasn't making any major decisions today since he was so tired. While we laughed about his statement, there is a lot of wisdom in those few choice words. 

Too often we make poor decisions or act rashly when we are physically, emotionally, or spiritually exhausted. It causes us to do things that we might not do if we were thinking clearly and operating with more strength. Our moments of vulnerability can be dangerous places when we don't recognize how susceptible we are to poor decision making. It's a sign of maturity and great self-awareness to be able to accurately evaluate ourselves and step back to be refueled before moving forward again.

Good Beginning

The Kansas City Royals are in the World Series for the first time since 1985 and I couldn't be happier. It's refreshing to see someone new on the main stage and I'm hoping they are able to pull of the final four wins they need to be champions. It's been a long journey of struggling and rebuilding for them and while their success is the culmination of  dedication and talent, there have also been some decisions made that have helped them achieve their goals.

A couple of years ago the Royals traded away a great outfielder for a couple of pitchers (James Shields & Wade Davis). At the time, many people were unsure that this was the best move, but it is certain that they would not be winning today without taking this risk. Sports journalist Andy Martino wrote the following about the Royals management:

"The Royals did have a sharp view of exactly where their franchise was: Their timetable for contention, and their own talent. Now they are in the World Series, with Shields starting Game 1. Perhaps self-awareness is the new market inefficiency.

When you talked to Royals people in the winter of that trade (and now), you saw that they knew what they were..."

Visionary leaders are not only consumed with the potential of what might be possible, but are also keenly aware of current circumstances. Can we effectively assess ourselves, our families, and the other people we lead? Are we able to accurately measure the present even as we look to the future? A powerful dream is compelling and it requires an properly measured beginning to become a reality.

This Is Me

If you boast about your areas of strength (personality traits, abilities, potential, gifting) and nobody near to you recognizes those strengths, there is a problem. You're either not being earnest in using that ability or you're not honestly assessing who you really are.

Dormant strength needs to be awakened and developed to have an impact. An authentic self-assessment and wise counsel from dependable voices will help us be realistic in our capabilities. Both of these are key to operating healthfully in our natural gifting and maximizing our personal potential.

In simple language: know who you are & work to make the most of who you are.

Two Sides

I recognize that I have a strong personality that sometimes can overwhelm a room. I've had to learn (and still continue to do so) to be part of the conversation in a room without having to dominate the entire dialogue. Faithful, caring mentors, good friends, and a loving wife have helped me to see how to intently invest in other people without overpowering everyone. It's the difference in being a pleasant aroma that quietly permeates a room versus being a 16 pound bowling ball that gets everyone's attention by slamming into the walls and furniture. Both will have an impact on everyone in the room, but one will be warmly welcomed while the other only hurts.

Are we cognizant of the positive and negative potential of our own personality? Will we give caring people the freedom to hold us accountable for how we leverage who we are? Are we willing to make the tough personal adjustments to be a more positive influence or are we comfortable with being a leadership bully? It's not that we have to stop being who we are, but that we learn how to lead without dominating the entire conversation around us.

Hustling

As a lifelong New York Mets fan, I have endured seasons of unfulfilled expectations, disappointment, and enjoyment at unexpected successes. My commitment to my team doesn't waver even if I am in the extreme minority. We have had great stars play for the team over the years and have also add over-achievers who quickly became fan favorites. This week in the baseball All-Star game we will have one representative on the squad, our second baseman Daniel Murphy. I've watched him over the last several years as he has worked diligently to enhance his skill set and make the most of his abilities. I read this assessment of him online last night:



Daniel Murphy is the antithesis of a star. There is no grace in his game. There is no flash. There is no sense of ease. His value stems entirely from function, not aesthetics, and because of this, he knew long ago that his only way to the major leagues involved walking a fine line. 

"I've always felt that at the point that I don't play the game with my hair on fire, I'm just not physically gifted enough to continue playing at this level," Murphy said. "So that's how I've always approached it." 




This level of self-awareness and dedication to hard work is an admirable trait for leaders as well. It requires us to be cognizant of our limitations and be willing to maximize our efforts to make the most of the opportunities in front of us. If we fail in either area we'll end up falling short of our leadership potential.