(Un)Learning

We used to have a white mutt of a dog named Zeddie. He was a pretty pitiful dog, but was deeply loved by our family. He was a rescue through another family and it become clear to us early on that he had been abused as a puppy. He become part of our family when he was no more than two years old and yet the abuse he suffered had an impact on him for the rest of his life. He would cringe whenever strangers came around and even acted fearful of us on occasion. No matter how much we continued to love him he still struggled with those base fears that had been imprinted on him when he was younger.

I don't think it's that different for people either. The negative experiences we have in our family of origin, previous relationships, and unhealthy work environments imprint a response on our souls that is difficult to change. Perhaps the most difficult part of our own lifelong education is in un-learning negative patterns, reactions, and assumptions. Like any other lasting change we want to make in our lives this won't happen accidentally. We have to decide to learn not to respond in emotionally unstable ways, not to drift back into destructive habits, and not to flinch every time we approached.

This isn't alway a simple process, but there are some key things we can do to get moving in the right direction.

• Get out of the unhealthy situation: when things are toxic you need to step away for your own safety
• Recognize your negative reactions: increase your self-awareness and see where your past experiences are influencing your present behaviors
• Swap in healthy responses: start changing out fearful, reactionary responses with ones that bring peace to your soul
• Deal with your grief: meet this head-on as you'll need to address what's happened to you instead of burying it deep and hoping it goes away
• Move forward: this sounds easier than it actually is and will take longer than you want it to take.

We won’t get it right the first time or every time, but we will get better as we travel this pathway to healing and learn new ways of living fully.

Start Riding

"It's like riding a bike." I've heard that phrase most of my life in relation to an action I've done many times before. The premise is that once you've learned to do something, you'll always know how. What you gain is something called muscle memory that can be triggered in the right situation to help you use skills your mind and body remember.

This is a transferable principle to other areas of our life even though it may not always be positive. If our learned response to stressful circumstances is a negative one, we will tend to fall back into those patterns. When we don’t have time to think about how we want to react our learned instincts take over.

Much like a poorly executed athletic movement, this doesn’t have to be a permanent reaction. We have the ability to learn something new, but need to be willing to invest the time and energy into developing a new skill set. This means we have to recognize our poorly formed habits, commit to learning a better method, and then continuing to practice it until it becomes our new reality. The increase in eventual positive response will make it worth our efforts.

Because He Is

Our reactions reveal how we feel about someone. Once we start to understand their character we will react accordingly. This is true in our human relationships and even with God.

Dr. Bill Bright wrote the following and I think it accurately describes how we should view God once we gain an understanding of who He is.

Because God is a personal Spirit...I will seek intimate fellowship with Him.
Because God is all-powerful...He can help me with anything.
Because God is ever present...He is always with me.
Because God knows everything...I will go to Him with all my questions and concerns.
Because God is sovereign...I will joyfully submit to His will.
Because God is holy...I will devote myself to Him in purity, worship, and service.
Because God is absolute truth...I will believe what He says and live accordingly.
Because God is righteous...I will live by His standards.
Because God is just...He will always treat me fairly.
Because God is love...He is unconditionally committed to my well-being.
Because God is merciful...He forgives me of my sins when I sincerely confess them.
Because God is faithful...I will trust Him to always keep His promises.
Because God never changes...my future is secure and eternal.

Embracing or Resistant?

How do you react to change? I don't know that I can respond with one firm answer to that question. There are some things that I want to remain constant as part of my normal routines. I also deeply desire change in other areas so that I don't fall into completely predictable patterns. I believe (and preach) that we need to change or we become stagnant yet I have had to learn to accept and even seek out that change.

It hasn't always come easy to me because I took that change far too personally. I would react in a defensive way to anything that adjusted my way of thinking (especially when it altered one of my ideas!) and resist the necessary moves to embrace it. My aversion was only applied to those things that were not my original idea and still affected me in big ways. It has only been through tough-love mentoring and mature personal adjustments that I have learned to not only accept this process, but look forward to it. If I am going to continue to lead in a positive, growing direction, I don't really have a choice. I'm reminded of a quote that I use often: "If you don't like change you're going to like irrelevance even less."

How much resistance do you give to changes in your life? Are you approaching it with an insightful perspective that reveals needed areas of growth or are you stubbornly refusing to allow a necessary shift out of fear?

Telling Time

There's an opportune time to do things, 

a right time for everything on the earth. Ecclesiastes 3:1

I struggled learning to tell time when I was very young. There are a lot of reasons why it was so difficult, but I distinctly remember how hard it was at that age. Of course this was before the age of digital watches and clocks. In fact, we used to be able to call a phone number that would tell you what time it was. It was one of the best ways of making sure that your clocks were accurate and that you weren't terribly off base.

I don't have the same issues anymore (thankfully!) but I don't think that reading a clock is the biggest problem for most people either. We are able to accurately determine what time it is with the technology that is readily available. Sadly, some of us still aren't very good at telling time. I'm not talking about the hours and minutes of the day, but our ability to determine the right moment for thoughts, actions, and words.

There is a time that is right for us to do something and there is a time when it is best for us to be patient. There is a time when we should speak and a time when we should remain silent. There are times that demand immediate action and others that require careful consideration and strategic movements. Our struggle is that we sometimes have a difficult time determining when that season is right and instead handle varying situations with identical solutions. When we treat every season the same way we alienate people around us and become ill-equipped to handle change. Learning to accurately tell what time it is comes from a willingness to be corrected, a desire to learn, and the humility to admit your mistakes. Healthy, maturing people are willing to learn this valuable skill and hopefully get better at it over time.

Stability & Peace

How do you react when things around you seem to be moving faster than you can control? How do you respond when difficulties arise in the middle of routine? Where do your instincts lead you when traumatic and catastrophic events occur?

Some will be tossed and tumbled by what happens. They won't be sure of their next response or how to find a way to stand on their feet. Others will be calmly stable as their circumstances rush by them--not distant and removed, but carefully surveying the present and determining what the next best steps to recovery will be.

There is no guarantee that we will automatically be in one category or another, but I am certain that a consistent, growing relationship with Christ is the key to finding peace. It's the strength gained from the indwelling Holy Spirit that makes the difference in our response and gives us the ability to be calm when everything else is in chaos.

Wait Time

When I worked in the restaurant business we would often have put customers on a waiting list for a table. It was a sign of healthy, consistent business when all our tables were full and people were still willing to wait to see when they could eat. One of the keys to keeping customers happy was to ensure that the actual wait time did not exceed the predicted wait time. In fact, we would often overestimate the delayed seating by a few minutes so that our guests would be pleased when a predicted 20 minute wait was only 15 minutes. Conversely, people would be very upset when a forecast of 20 minutes became 25 instead.

What's our reaction when it takes longer for something to happen in our lives than we anticipated? 

• The answer to our desperate prayer for healing isn't answered quickly enough. 
• God doesn't show us the next step He is asking us to take even though we keep asking what to do. 
• The mending of broken relationships seems to be moving at a crawl. 
• Trust that has been destroyed is being rebuilt in very small steps. 
• A solution to a problem either hasn't materialized or seems to be taking too long for our own preferences. 
• An area that needs growth isn't maturing as fast as we might have hoped.

There will always be a period of waiting and we won't always understand why. Our willingness to believe in God's deliverance and timing by reacting in patient maturity will reveal the depth of our trust.

Unexpected

Each day will have something unexpected in it for us. It might be a reaction from someone, a pleasant surprise, a distasteful experience, or an unplanned event. While some of these are big enough to be completely out of our control we still get to determine whether it will be a positive or negative reaction. Like most of our life circumstances, it's our attitude that determines whether something completely derails us or if it becomes part of the story of our daily growth. 

Life Happens

"Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes."

Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

The pace of life often seems haphazardly designed. We flow from moments of peace to extreme unrest in a smattering of emotions and words. Just when we feel that we have a firm grasp on our future, possibilities change and it quickly slips from our grip and shatters on the floor. Solid relationships become flimsy with one unexpected event. Unplanned circumstances transform stable surfaces of trust into quickly tilting floors of disbelief and uncertainty. Simple confidence in our physical health evaporates under the wilting heat of a surprise diagnosis. Our boastful confidence in personal truth is snatched away as our reality is distorted through other's perceptions. 

These tumultuous changes can paint a grim picture of our lives, but in the midst of hectic uncertainty we have a choice. We can be overwhelmed to the point of despair or we can choose peace that passes understanding and grow in stature and wisdom. Our response (even if inconsistent) will reveal our character and help to shape the people we are becoming.

Catalytic

Have we become so consumed with the principle of not offending anyone that we forget that bold faith will be offensive? If we are going to take a stand for Christ it will inspire some to follow, but will also cause enemies to rise up against us. Just as there is no middle ground in being a follower of Christ (you either are or you aren't) there is no middle ground in the response we receive to the life we lead. Many fellow Christians know this truth as they live in persecuting countries and yet still maintain their passion for Christ. Ironically, the same enthusiasm that their tormentors live by is mirrored in the commitment of new Christians in proclaiming their faith in spite of the circumstances.

I believe in the mission of the church to reach those who haven't chosen to follow Christ. This must be done in love and by fully extending grace, but the reality is that God's truth will not always be well received. Scripture even tells us that God's wisdom will appear as foolishness to some and can cause disruption in families and between friends. This isn't the relationship I want to develop with others, but I have to put my faith in God's principles and remain there regardless of the response I might receive. 

Our commitment level combined with God's power will bring about positive & negative reactions. Passionately authentic faith is a catalyst for revival and persecution.