Comparison Shopping

Looking for a new(ish) car isn't fun. I've only done it a handful of times without some expert help (my stepfather, good car-minded friends, etc.) but we are currently searching for one for our oldest daughter. I've spent a lot of time online looking for a good deal and even wandered onto a used car lot today to check. It's not an easy process to find what you're looking for as you compare models, features, mileage, and especially price. It is essential, however, to measure what you see against other deals to make sure you get something worthwhile.

Comparison is a helpful tool when picking out a car, but it can be damaging when it's centered on yourself. Determining how successful you are by the success of others isn't a valid or healthy tool. Measuring your physical fitness by another person isn't completely accurate. Deciding if you are a good parent based on how another father interacts with his daughters isn't a true indicator of my family's stability.

The comparison trap can be overwhelming dangerous and discouraging if it's the only measurement we use. While we can gain insight from witnessing the lives of other people, we risk debilitating discouragement when we try to be just like other people instead of being the best version of ourselves we can be. Let the people around us be an inspiration (and sometimes a warning) without being a measuring stick we can't compare to.

One Up

It's not easy to write about an unhealthy communication trap that I am often guilty of falling into. It's much easier just to notice it in other people and be irritated with their habit than to do something about it myself. However, I truly believe it is a common practice that is detrimental to developing genuinely compassionate community. It's the relationship-killing practice of "one-upping."

This is commonly seen when someone shares a story of how difficult things are in their life and we feel the need to top their tale with our own. It quickly becomes a contest to see who can elevate their level of woe above the other. No matter how difficult a present life circumstance might be, we can swing the attention back to ourselves and diminish the other person in just a few sentences. This is not meant to include genuine stories of compassion for the sake of encouragement and reminding people that they are not alone. Sadly, those positive story-tellings are often the exception instead of the norm.

Why do we feel the need to "one-up" somebody? Is it a selfish desire to minimize someones experience and life trials by making our circumstances much worse? Without always recognizing it are we finding ourselves caught in a constant need for inflating our own ego?

Why can't we simply empathize with that person without having to tell our "greater" story? Even if we are wounded from the pain of our own decisions, would it hurt us to focus on the person in front of us? Imagine the difference in our families, workplaces, and community if we cared for the immediate needs of people without having to win the game of "who's situation is worse." Genuine compassion doesn't redirect attention back to ourselves.

Balancing Act

In my own personal struggles with self-esteem (the condition that men don't talk about) I've been at both ends of the confidence spectrum. I've gone through periods in life where I allowed my ego to over-inflate to the extreme detriment of the relationships in my life. My out-of-control pride ruined friendships, damaged working relationships, and alienated people that care for me. I've also endured tough stretches where I felt that I was of no use to anyone at all. It didn't matter how much people encouraged me or tried to reason with me. I simply felt that I wasn't worthy enough to lead a discussion much less lead my family or an organization. Neither one of these perspectives is healthy.

Fluctuating from thinking too highly of myself to thinking too lowly of myself doesn't provide a stable ground for accurate personal assessment and growth. Instead it's best for all of us to find a balance of being aware of our strengths and weaknesses while maturing in humility. We're certainly better company when we can do this and we'll be healthier overall with a more realistic viewpoint of who we are.

Off Script

As someone who has always enjoyed the theater and was a theater major in college for a bit, I have seen and performed in numerous plays and musicals. I love to immerse myself in a role or a show and enjoy all that the characters have to offer. One of the keys to a successful dramatic production is to make sure that everyone knows their lines-it helps you to get into your character and provides a seamless and realistic experience for those that are watching. When the other actors improvise in this area it throws off timing and can cause uncertainty among the principal players.

When we make a commitment to Christ we are asking Him to step into our lives-our own dramatic production if you will. We talk about wanting to give Him control and asking Him to lead us, but when He starts improvising off the script that we had written for our lives we get upset.

You can't have it both ways. Either you want an entertaining god (intentionally lower case) to play along with your ambitions or you want the real God to set you towards the plan and purpose He has for you-regardless of how uncomfortable it might make you.

It's not easy to cede control, but it's necessary for something that is real.