I Should...

Have you ever said “I should…” when describing where you feel you are supposed to be in maturity, health, and preparation? I’ve recognized my own list of “shoulds” that have been part of my thinking.

I should...

Be stronger
Be better at this
Be able to figure this out
Be farther along on my journey
Have a better plan
Have more money saved
Be in better shape
Be over this by now
Have better relationships
Be able to adjust more quickly
Be able do more
Be able to bounce back more quickly
Know better

There is a dangerous line between wanting to grow and using the word "should" as a way to shame yourself for things you aren't. Shifting your mindset to use the word “could” instead can actually be helpful. Examining yourself with a healthy perspective allows you to see progressive growth even if you aren’t as far along on that path as you would like to be.

Should is filled with shame. Could is filled with potential.

Keep pushing yourself to become your best version, but don't let gaps in growth and temporary setbacks define your character. See your potential without punishing yourself for not fully living it out yet. Each day presents another opportunity to move closer to your most complete self.

Becoming Clear

"Muddy water becomes clear if you only let it be still for a while.” Dallas Willard

Have you ever faced a confusing or difficult situation and jumped into action only to make it worse? Our desire to make things right or to force an outcome leads us to stir things up when the better choice might be to let them settle instead. 

Part of my natural reaction is to want to fix things. When I see something out of alignment I want to make it right. I don’t think this is a terrible trait, but I have discovered (often the hard way) that making decisions and taking action before things are clear doesn’t always end well. My eagerness has often led me to moving prematurely before fully understanding what’s really happening.

Over the last decade I’ve learned to pause before jumping into situations and asserting myself. As a person of action that hasn’t been an easy habit to develop but has been honed through many difficult life lessons. This is something each of us can develop if we are committed to change. Over time we can then make the conscious decision to pause, take a deep breath, and carefully examine the situation before deciding what to do.

The habit of patient contemplation is often underrated. Allow yourself time and space to think when things are overwhelming and you are unsure. Learning to be still in our thoughts and actions makes the next step more clear.

Measure Carefully

For almost all of my adult life I’ve been a communicator. The platform varied depending on the environment—in the classroom, on athletic fields/courts, in small groups, from a stage, and one-on-one. I feel it’s one of my gifts and something I continue to work to sharpen as my life path continue to evolve. There have been some hard lessons over the years as I haven’t alway communicated in a healthy or constructive way. Damage was often done because I didn’t realize the full power of this gift and didn’t always use it to build others up.

The truth is that all of us are communicators. The size and proximity of our audience may vary, but we all convey information, thoughts, and emotions to the people around us. To understand the impact of what we say it is important to remember a simple truth: our words have weight. Whether we always recognize the result or not, the things we speak will affect others. Those closest to us can often be most wounded by our words. A leadership position in our career also adds weight to what we say and can have unintended consequences if we are careless.

Considering the responsibility of being a communicator might lead us to choose not to share things at all. The better choice is to take a few moments to think about what we have to say before we speak. Once those words leave our mouths they can’t be taken back.

Examine It

Every season and experience of life can be helpful if we take a closer look at it. Each change we undergo offers opportunities to learn and to become more than we are today. With that idea in mind as we begin another year, I recently found myself contemplating the question, "What has 2018 taught you?"


-Your calling isn’t defined by your profession. Your profession gives you an opportunity to live out your calling.

-Even when you strive to look at people through the lens of grace they won’t always act gracefully.

-When you’re unsure of where your future path may lead focus on doing the next right thing.

-Your impact on the people around you is greater and longer lasting than you realize.

-You and your family are tougher and can endure more than you might have thought.

-Freedom is a powerful feeling especially when you haven’t experienced it for some time.

-You can start new things no matter your age.

-Sometimes we need to be told someone believes in us so we can take the next step forward.

-Voices and influences that were once vital to your growth can become detrimental after time.

-Seasons and friendships change and that doesn’t take away from the value they once had even if they are no longer as relevant.

-If you’re the only one working to maintain a relationship it’s clearly not as valuable to the other person as it is to you. Have enough respect for yourself to graciously walk away. 

-New beginnings are always available. You may have firmly believed that for others, but it is solidified as one of your values when you experience that truth for yourself.

-You are a survivor and always have been. Don’t forget that key part of your identity just because certain things you once held closely now fall apart.

-What you once thought was the worst thing that could happen to you can turn out to be best thing for your future.


Your perspective on your present will determine your mindset for your future. Keep going and don’t forget what you’ve already learned.

(Un)Learning

We used to have a white mutt of a dog named Zeddie. He was a pretty pitiful dog, but was deeply loved by our family. He was a rescue through another family and it become clear to us early on that he had been abused as a puppy. He become part of our family when he was no more than two years old and yet the abuse he suffered had an impact on him for the rest of his life. He would cringe whenever strangers came around and even acted fearful of us on occasion. No matter how much we continued to love him he still struggled with those base fears that had been imprinted on him when he was younger.

I don't think it's that different for people either. The negative experiences we have in our family of origin, previous relationships, and unhealthy work environments imprint a response on our souls that is difficult to change. Perhaps the most difficult part of our own lifelong education is in un-learning negative patterns, reactions, and assumptions. Like any other lasting change we want to make in our lives this won't happen accidentally. We have to decide to learn not to respond in emotionally unstable ways, not to drift back into destructive habits, and not to flinch every time we approached.

This isn't alway a simple process, but there are some key things we can do to get moving in the right direction.

• Get out of the unhealthy situation: when things are toxic you need to step away for your own safety
• Recognize your negative reactions: increase your self-awareness and see where your past experiences are influencing your present behaviors
• Swap in healthy responses: start changing out fearful, reactionary responses with ones that bring peace to your soul
• Deal with your grief: meet this head-on as you'll need to address what's happened to you instead of burying it deep and hoping it goes away
• Move forward: this sounds easier than it actually is and will take longer than you want it to take.

We won’t get it right the first time or every time, but we will get better as we travel this pathway to healing and learn new ways of living fully.

Renovation Project

We haven't had television services at home for many years, but when we travel we end up glued to the screen watching home renovation shows. There is something incredibly compelling about the journey of seeing something transformed and repurposed. While there are a variety of different shows, the basic premise and story arc is the same.

It always begins with a vision and excitement about the potential at the beginning of the project. Once the work is fully engaged, however, there are always unexpected costs and complications. When the layers are pulled back there ends up being underlying damage to the structure that couldn't be previously seen. At some point in the project the owners will be frustrated and express their doubts about whether the renovation will ever be completed. There is always a turning point where things begin to come together and every owner is always amazed at how beautiful things turn out at the end.

I don't think this story arc is much different for the spiritual renovation work we do in our own lives. Any project we go through gets messier before it gets fresh and new. The complications we run into will most likely lead us into wanting to give up before it's done. This process also won't wrap up neatly into a 30 minute episode, but ends up taking longer than we may have initially projected. The good news is that we can gain some confidence in knowing that if we continue to push forward it will turn out better than we anticipated.

Learning Curve

Our education doesn't stop the moment we walk across a stage to receive a diploma or degree. It's actually a lifelong process of constant lessons. How effective these lessons are depends on our awareness of them and our receptivity to what they are teaching us. 

The books we read, the people we interact with, the life events we experience, and the decisions we make all have the opportunity to shape us. Much like our time in an actual classroom however, we must be prepared to receive the lesson to take full advantage of what it has to offer. 

Not all lessons are pleasant to endure, but they can all be beneficial if we eventually apply what we've been taught. 

Strange Shape

"And I became such a strange shape, 

such a strange shape from trying to fit in

Yeah, I became such a strange shape, such a strange shape"

“Wilson” Fall Out Boy

There is a distinct difference between “fitting in” and “belonging.” Author Brene Brown nails it when she writes, "“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” 

Constantly trying to fit in isn’t being true to yourself. It is a marker of an off-balance dynamic where you feel pressure to change your real nature to conform to someone else’s ideal. It’s an unhealthy stretching that doesn’t cause you to step more fully into your fulfilled self, but to become less of who you truly are.

You know when you aren’t living out of your genuine identity. It causes internal tension that manifests in uneven emotional and spiritual states, difficulty finding healthy rhythms of life, and stagnant transformational growth. Over time it will inevitably be revealed that you still won’t be good enough for those who are trying to get you to fit in. They will be unhappy with their lack of total control and you will be left feeling unfulfilled and incomplete. It’s better to be in community with people who create an accepting space for you to mature into the most real, growing, grace-filled person you can be.

Don’t settle for less by squeezing into an ill-fitting form. You can’t be the best version of yourself when you are stretching yourself in unnatural ways. If you aren't careful, you might get stuck in that strange shape.

Storage Capacity

As I was driving home recently, I went by a site where a series of storage units were being built. My first thought as I rode past it was, “Really? Another storage unit? Do we actually need this?” I feel confident this was not an overestimation on my part of the number of storage facilities in our community. Obviously there is a demand for them or there wouldn’t be an increase in their supply. It’s a thriving industry as people collect so much “stuff” that they need to store them in other locations. Perhaps if we didn’t insist on keeping things we don’t need there wouldn’t be a continual demand for the construction of more storage units.

We don’t just hang onto physical things however. Our journey through life takes us through relationships, decisions, and unexpected circumstances that lead us to accumulate emotional and spiritual baggage as well. Those life experiences have value as they have shaped us into who we are today and should not be ignored. If we don’t learn to deal with them in a healthy manner, however, we end up hanging on to parts of life that we don’t really need. We harbor resentment, exude bitterness, cling to unforgiveness, wallow in shame, and live in mistrust—the things we cling to out of our hurt. Don’t reject the life lessons from difficult life experiences, but refuse to store up the negativity that often accompany them.

Much like the possessions in life we no longer have a purpose for—we should pick up each of these old scars, carefully examine them, and discard the ones that no longer influence us in a healthy way. Hanging on to them only crowds out space for engaging in new ways of thinking and feeling that take us down healthier pathways.

The Whole Story

I am a storyteller. I love to share a riveting tale while engaging people around me in the emotional waves of action and making them feel as if they are part of the entire event. It's a characteristic I feel helps me connect with people (as I've seen it throughout the different career paths in my life.) This isn't a factor to be manipulated, but instead reinforces my deep desire to be inclusive of all people and to acknowledge each other as we travel through life together. I truly believe it's a reflection of the fundamental truth of our desire to be part of a story of significance and to feel as if we are characters influencing the plot.

The truth is that we are all storytellers. Our entire individual lives are one overarching story that simultaneously interweaves with the ongoing biographies of others around us. Much like a well-written novel there will be plot twists, unexpected characters, devastating events, and great triumphs. The key is to remember that the entire story matters and that our current events are only one part of the grand tale of our lives. The joyful and discouraging events all have significance.

Don't overlook the chapter you're in right now because it's all part of something grand and ultimately beautiful. Learn from each story arc as it becomes part of who you are and who you're becoming. Tell your story while eagerly listening to others as they share theirs. It's a common trait of compassionate humanity and in recognizing the power of influencing each other through what our lives have to say.

Learning to Speak Again

I have a fairly distinctive speaking voice. It’s a deep voice that I’ve learned to project through years of theater, working on athletic fields, and public speaking. There have been times I’ve walked into rooms and spoken with people who recognize me instantly because of the sound of my voice. I’ve even been told the that my voice is intimidating to some who may not have as strong-sounding a voice. I’ve grown to be comfortable with it as part of who I am and I have become attuned to using it in the right situations as I’ve aged.

We all have a voice that is distinctive. It may not necessarily be one that booms out from a stage or across playing fields, but each one is unique and has an important message to be communicated. Each of our voices is a key to who we are as it reveals our passions, fears, convictions, and perspectives.

There is a growth curve in learning to use it in a way that is helpful, however. We need a safe space to communicate and to know that it is okay for us to be who we are. When we are in places that stifle our voice and only want it to speak the script written by others, we are in danger of losing our identity and forgetting who our Creator has made us to be. Regaining that confidence can take time and will almost certainly require a monumental shift in what influences we allow into our own lives.

Our individual voices are needed as we speak into the greater collective of humanity around us. While the sound we make may be a little squeaky from under-use, we’ll find it gets easier over time as we use it more.

Speak up, my friends. Speak words of peace, kindness, curiosity, and grace. Speak up against those who hold you back from discovering and living out your true identity. Let your voice be as distinctive as it is already designed to be and don’t be ashamed of what it sounds like.

Saying Goodbye to The Velvet Hammer

My hometown community suffered a great loss last week when my friend, mentor, colleague, and former boss, Patsy Graham passed away. We haven’t stayed in consistent touch with each other since she retired several years ago, but that doesn’t soften my sense of loss or the grief I feel at her death. 

I have known her for close to 30 years with nine of those working together at Mainland High School. She was tough as nails and wouldn’t back down from anyone. Patsy was also incredibly gracious and would look for ways to help people fulfill their potential and become the best version of themselves they could possibly be. While she was known as a great leader and principal, it was her genuine concern for individuals and her desire to see them grow that truly marked her leadership. It’s this combination of strength and gentleness that helped to earn her the nickname, “The Velvet Hammer."

I remember hearing one story in particular coming out of a principal’s meeting. Another local leader was lamenting the difficulties of educating the students who were struggling at the bottom of the curve. This other principal commented that his overall school performance would improve if they didn’t have to deal with that group. In her inimitable southern accent, Patsy leaned across the table with fiery passion and said, “Send those students to us! We will educate them!” It was a perfect example of her commitment to bettering everyone within her reach without regard for what the system might have to say about it.

One of the hardest conversations I’ve ever had was when I left Mainland to go into ministry. I called and asked her if I could stop by her house as this needed to be a personal, face-to-face conversation. I distinctly remember being very nervous at sharing this news with her—not because I was afraid of her reaction, but because I didn’t want to disappoint her. We sat in recliners in her living room as I struggled to get the news out and to seek her input. I don’t know that I actually received her blessing that day even though she (grudgingly) understood my decision. She was so passionate about education and helping all of us—students and teachers alike—become better people and then sharing that legacy together.

The last time I saw her was almost two years ago at a Mainland family wedding. I didn’t know this would be our last chance to talk, but I felt compelled to share a few words with her. As she was getting ready to leave, I hugged her tightly and spoke in her ear over the loud reception music. I told her she was the best leader I had ever been privileged to work with and that her influence was tangibly evident in me and my views of those around me. I went on to let her know that there weren’t many days where I didn’t think about her and how well she cared for us all. I almost feel that those few moments were inadequate to fully describe her impact, but I at least wanted her to know how much she meant to me. We parted with a hug and “I love you,” not knowing it would be the last time we spoke.

There isn’t one person who will be able to fill her role, but all of us who have been impacted by her will do our best to keep working for the good cause. We will be strong when it is needed and stand for those who can’t stand for themselves. We will be compassionate and understanding while believing the best in others. We will strive to lead others to work together for the common good and look for every moment to do what’s right. It won’t be easy, but together we can continue to see her good work continued. 

You will be greatly missed, my friend. We will do our best to carry your legacy forward. 

Everything

"With all I am, in Your grace I stand." lyric from Love on the Line, by Hillsong Worship

All the pieces of my life, 

every decision I have made, 

everything that has been done to me and 

everything I’ve done to others. 

My hopes and aspirations, 

my failures and successes, 

when I felt good about myself and when I am consumed with self-loathing. 

The times I have overcome my mistakes and 

the (many) times I have repeated them. 

My insecurities, my pride, my fluctuating ego, my confidence, and my weaknesses. 

What I can do, what I can't do and 

the line that is sometimes blurred between them. 

My love for those close to me and 

my deep compassion for others traveling this journey around me. 

This is all of who I am and 

all of it is able to stand in the grace God offers me. 

This is a big, bold, stable grace 

that gives me strength to be upright when I don’t think I can stand anymore. 

It is this generous gift from God that envelops me and reminds me I am loved.

Preparation Matters

Getting ready to play a baseball game takes more preparation than you might think. Not only do the players have to go through their routines of warming up, but the playing field has to be readied as well. There are several hours of work that are necessary before the first pitch. You couldn't just decide you wanted to play a game, ignore the steps to get ready, and expect things to turn out well.

I think we forget about the need for preparation when we want to do something big in our lives. Our desire for something new or better serves as motivation for better decisions, but we falsely expect to see immediate results. Changing our physical health involves a plan for better eating and exercise. Improving our family relationships means taking the time to listen to each other, apologizing for the past, and honestly engaging each day. Taking the next step professionally means we have to excel at our current position while taking steps to improve ourselves and connect with other people. Being a vital part of our community involves ongoing honest dialogue and a willingness to enter into life with people in tangible ways.

What steps do you need to take to get ready for what's next in your own life? Commit to the necessary work of preparation as part of the path of growth and change.

Guardrails

You may or may not have noticed how often there are guardrails on the roads you travel. They appear in areas of increased risk where running off the road would bring potentially fatal damage. These structures should give us something to bounce off of to prevent us from doing too much damage to ourselves.

An author I recently read wrote about the guiding principles for her life and how they served that same function. These are the values that shape the decisions she makes and help to keep her on the best path as she pursues her life vision. It’s vital to know our own guiding principles or we run the risk of causing damage to ourselves and the people we care about.

What principles do you hold tightly to? How do these shape the way you think, speak, and act? How are they protecting you and keeping you focused in the best possible direction?

Creating the mental, emotional, and spiritual space to clearly define these principles is helpful for us to stay on the path we want to live on.

Another Step

Imagine you decided to take a trip southward and eventually ended up in Antarctica. This would take some serious maneuvering of travel modes, but it is distinctly possible that the frozen tundra of the South Pole would be your stopping place if you kept going south.

Once you arrived, you might complain about the cold temperatures and how it wasn't what you expected, but this is still the journey you chose to undertake. With a desire for warmer temperatures and a lack of enthusiasm for your surroundings, you can begin a northward trek. The truth, however, is that you won't be on a sunny beach in a short period of time. Your journey to the South Pole took a while and the warm beaches of Miami, Florida aren't quite within reach yet. You've got to keep traveling in the right direction to get where you want to be.

I see this being similar to the picture of recovery. We usually end up in predicaments (relationship, financial, mental health, habits, addictions) because of a series of choices. While we can see positive gains from a change of direction, there are still steps of healing that will take time. Committing to the process of growth and healing is a lifelong journey.

You can't change in a day what took a lifetime to create, but you can take another step in the right direction. Where do you need to take a step today?

Trying to Ignore Them

On Thursday night, an assistant coach in an NBA game stood on the court next to an opposing player in the final seconds and distracted him from taking a potential game-tying shot. (Obviously this isn't a legal move, but none of the officials caught it at the time.) The player with the ball thought it was a defender and passed up the shot before realizing it was a coach trying to confuse him. The coach ended up being fined by the NBA, but the damage was (unfairly) done and his team was victorious.

Can you identify the things that divert your attention the most? What pulls your focus away and leaves you feeling unsuccessful? Distractions pop up in very unexpected ways and won't always be fair. It takes a strong level of concentration to not be pulled away from what is most important and to complete the task in front of us. We've got to discipline ourselves to be zoned in so we can do the things that matter most.

Over and Over Again

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." 

Will Durant (paraphrasing Aristotle)

What do we find ourselves repeatedly doing? Are they good habits leading us to future growth and maturity?  Are they negative thoughts and actions that keep us caught in cyclical patterns of frustration and apathy?

The start of a new year gives each of us an opportunity to set new goals and think about new desires for the next season. Establishing the right habits to reinforce those desires will give us the foundation to be successful. To be excellent we should look carefully at the habits we've established and start to create new ones to lead us in the right direction.

Off Schedule

Planning out each part of your day is supposed to help with productivity and staying on task. While that might be an effective planning tool, it may not accurately represent the way each day will flow. Even with careful forethought there will be unplanned interactions and events which throw us off our intended path. In fact, I would argue that interruptions are almost guaranteed. The question we each have to answer is, "How will I react when this happens?"

We can choose to get upset about these inconveniences or we can view them through a different lens. While constantly being off schedule won't be helpful, we might find that occasional interruptions lead us to experience life in new ways. It might cause us to engage in a deep conversation, meet someone new, or live out a unique moment. Perhaps it's the moments in the margin of our calendars that show us a refreshing and unexpected side of life.

When you feel off schedule, take a deep breath and look for the new experience you might have missed otherwise.

Freedom to Speak

Yesterday my wife called to let me know we had a water leak at our house. After calling a plumbing friend, we discovered our hot water heater was leaking which was causing a number of different issues underneath the house. We didn't figure this out on our own, but were helped by a friendly meter reader from the water department. When he was checking the meter for our monthly bill he noticed our usage was much higher than normal and came to the door to let us know. Without this assistance there would have been more damage and greater potential problems.

We don't always notice when things are going wrong in our lives. Sometimes we are too close to the problem to notice and fail to look in places where there are issues. Giving someone the freedom to speak truth into our lives can help us identify these troubles and hopefully bring about correction before they get too big.

Who do you trust to gently approach you when there's trouble you may not see? Giving someone this freedom can help head off potential pitfalls before they derail us completely.