43 and Counting

My beautiful wife turned 43 years old today. She loves to celebrate a birthday and I love getting to celebrate them with her. In honor of her big day, I decided to list 43 things I love about her.

1. Her loud laugh
2. The loving look she gives me when I come home
3. The way her hand fits in mine
4. Our shared love of music
5. Sharing quotes from books with each other
6. Her intelligence
7. The way she challenges my thinking
8. How brave she is
9. She fought cancer and won
10. She keeps helping other people as they go through the journey of cancer
11. Her willingness to deconstruct and rebuild her faith so it's something substantive and strong
12. The way she loves our girls
13. Her passion for life
14. Sharing a mutual love for serving in Arizona
15. Her goofiness
16. The way we can spend hours together without having to talk
17. The stories and laughter she shares with our girls
18. How I can see her traits in each of our girls in unique ways
19. Playing guitar and singing with her
20. Sharing my dreams and possibilities with her
21. She believes in and sees the best in me
22. I can spoil her with a good home-cooked meal
23. The comfort of laying next to her at night
24. Her quiet introvert nature
25. Her not-so-quiet introvert nature
26. Being brave enough to question what she believes to make sure it's real
27. How hard she works to take care of her family
28. She's gorgeous (I definitely married up!)
29. The way her heart breaks for other people
30. The courage she has shown jumping into leading Celebrate Recovery
31. The way she speaks her mind
32. Her devotion to us as a couple
33. That she delivers Meals-on-Wheels and cares for the people she serves
34. There is no part of my life I don't want to share with her
35. She loves to celebrate a birthday--even for a whole month
36. The willingness she has to follow wherever this life will lead us
37. Her impact on others--more people than she even knows
38. Her willingness to try new things
39. The value she places on our family dinners as she creates a place for us all to share
40. How good we are together
41. Her loyalty to her family and friends
42. Too many memories of laughter, tears, and joy through close to 25 years together
43. The fact that I get to spend the rest of my life with her

A Worthy Name

I think our society has forgotten about the power and significance in a name. In times past we would give people names that reflected their character and the great deeds they had done. People would be called “Richard the Lionhearted” or “Claudia the Courageous.” Just because we no longer think in those terms doesn’t mean people don’t live with the same purpose and intensity. My wife is one of those women who lives in such a legendary fashion. As our 21st anniversary is celebrated today, I thought it would be appropriate to give her a fitting name: “Dana the Strong."

Our life’s journey has not been what we expected, but then again I don’t know many people who would profess otherwise. Through all of these life changes her internal strength has increased as she conquered each trial. My wife is a woman who:

Conquered cancer
Is willing to fight her fears
Breaks her faith down to the foundation and slowly rebuilds it
Asks tough questions others don’t have the courage to ask
Home schools three girls
Is a pastor’s wife—nuff said
Finished a 1/2 marathon
Climbed a mountain
Survived the rituals of religion to develop a lasting relationship
Takes risks and helps when others would walk away
Shares compassion even when it hurts
Speaks what’s right even if it’s unpopular
Helps others walk through the valleys of life even when it costs her deeply
Supports me fully in my calling even when it’s not easy for either of us
Sees the potential in me and encourages me to become the man I should be

I have been fortunate to have many strong women in my life and even more so to be allowed to partner with this incredible woman. I am grateful for her strength, her loving attitude, her passionate intelligence, and her contagious compassion. She is my life partner who makes me a better man. Happy anniversary, Dana the strong. You are the better part of me.

A Lifelong Commitment

I love weddings and especially love to officiate them which gives me a front row seat for the ceremony. Fortunately, I have been part of dozens of different weddings during my years in ministry. I have been able to stand with couples I have known for years and also with couples I have recently met. As part of my preparation, I try to spend time with each bride and groom to hear their story. If we are going to share in this great day together I want to know how they met, the tale of their proposal, and their hopes for the future. I even share the story of the beginning of my own marriage and feel this gives us a common bond and greater insight into each other. 

This is a key part of the preparation process for me because of how uniquely special the wedding day is. I know these couples are in love and now we are unified in the vision for their ceremony and the power of the vows they will share. This is the beginning of an entirely new phase of life for this man and woman. It is their time to declare that even though they may not know the exact path for their lives, they know who they want their traveling companion to be. It will be a journey of transformation, great suffering, and great joy and they will make their way through it together. This adventure begins in front of their family, friends, and God as they declare their intent to commit to each other for life. 

A wedding is the gateway to the rest of their lives. While I cannot guarantee happy, healthy marriages as a result of this ceremony (that would certainly impact my fee structure if so!) I pray they see this as a launching pad of potential for the long and unknown future. It's the promise of what can be and the foundation of love which causes me to look forward to each wedding with such anticipation.

Just Because

When I got married, I wasn't given a list of things I had to do to make my marriage work. There was not a descriptive account of my responsibilities now that I had a wife. In fact, I would have been reluctant to enter into marriage if there was an accompanying book telling me all the things I now had to do. My wife and I have a healthy relationship because we understand each other and choose to do those things that reflect our love. Neither of us feel obligated to perform or engage with each other, but respond out of our honest affection together.

I think there's often a misconception about what it means to have a relationship with God. Most often there is the belief that there is a long list of acceptable vs. unacceptable behaviors and we have to tow the line or get smacked. While there are consequences for decisions we make, I like to think my relationship flows out of an understanding and appreciation for who God is instead. When I am able to see Him for who He truly is, then I choose to do things differently because of that relationship.

Instead of living in a dynamic where I "have to" do certain things, it now is about how I "get to" do those things. This is a response based in love instead of fear and in honor instead of obligation. Now we can live in a thriving, healthy dynamic instead of constantly being afraid of coming up short.

Security Detail

I feel one of my roles in our family is to serve as a protector.  I’m not solely responsible for this, but it is something I think about often. I recognize objectives we all have to commit to keeping and try to make decisions with them in mind (as much as possible.) I don’t have a comprehensive list I read over, but there are certain things which are important:

- Our integrity—doing things to be consistent in our individual and family character
- Values—strengthening the important things which define who we are
- Vision—maintaining a big picture of who we want our family to be
- Heart—keeping our family safe emotionally
- Future—making sure we are setting ourselves up for the best possible future
- Legacy—setting up a foundation of family faith for our future generations
- Purity—helping each other make the best decisions
- Family dynamic—watching out for each other & keeping a safe home dynamic
- Time—making sure our time together is protected above all other time

How are you doing this? What boundaries are you setting up to keep your family safe?

Crossing the Tape

My wife and I completed our first half marathon this weekend in Savannah. We've had this on our calendar for several months and worked hard in our training program together to make it happen. We were a slightly apprehensive heading into it especially with higher than normal temperatures and humidity and the unknown details of a big race. There were big adjustments to make as neither of us had ever run in something with so many people or that lengthy.

It's hard to fully capture the feeling we both had when crossing the finish line. There was a deep, gratifying sense of accomplishment and relief at the same time. Our training and perseverance had paid off and we are both proud of what we were able to do. While we celebrated with our girls and enjoyed time together we are also now left with a slight sense of loss with it being over. We had aimed at this goal for so long and now that it's over, we are looking for something else to replace it. This doesn't devalue our pursuit of family experiences and spiritual growth, but speaks to our need to have other physical goals to pursue. My wife and I both agree we need another objective to aim at and are planning together to figure out what it should be.

I feel that is a healthy approach to life together. We set a goal which was difficult to attain, supported each other in achieving it, and now look for the next adventure as a couple. I'll take that as a pattern of life even if it's a relatively new way of thinking for us both.

Language Lessons

We wrapped up a series on marriage this week by sharing the idea of commitment in our relationships. This obviously takes some work from both people and a willingness to endure through difficult times. One of the keys to thriving is to understand the "love language" of the other person. While this may sound a little odd, it's a theory based on how we tend to understand we are loved. It varies from person to person and includes words of affirmation, physical touch, giving of gifts, quality time, and acts of service. I don't believe we are necessarily exclusive in these areas, but we are predominantly affected by some more than others.

If we want to effectively communicate our depth of feeling for those we love we have to understand how they hear us. Continuing to speak in a way that doesn't connect with them won't get the point across. Increasing the frequency of gifts won't affirm a person's feelings if they respond best to positive words. It's like speaking English to someone who only speaks Spanish and getting increasingly louder as we realize we aren't communicating. Soon we'll both be yelling and neither one of us will understand what's being said.

Good Day

My wife and I have some time alone this week as our three girls are at a conference with their youth group. I have had a busy schedule, but took today off to spend entirely with her without distractions. I planned for us to visit a small town here in Georgia which we have never been to. The drive there and back, walking around a new place, and eating good food was enough to call the day a success. It was a simple plan which we both thoroughly enjoyed. Part of our enjoyment was in the newness of the experience, but the most important piece was the company. When you are deeply in love with the one you spend time with, everywhere you go is a good day.

Together

From an outside perspective, today might not have seemed uniquely special to anyone else. In fact, the events of the day were rather ordinary. The key to my contentment was found in who I shared my day with--my wife.

Even mundane activities like grocery shopping, eating lunch, and playing with our dogs is better when I share it with her. A day that starts with coffee and conversation on our back porch and ends sitting quietly together (with a couple of dogs joining us) is a good day. This is a reflection of our deep love and shared comfortability which has been forged through years together. It reinforces my belief that ordinary moments shared with the right person are better than extraordinary moments alone. I'm just fortunate these moments are best with her.

The Simple Life

My wife and I spent a few hours together in Nashville today while visiting family. We didn't have any major objectives, but wanted to grab a bite to eat and wander around some. We both remarked on how much we enjoyed our afternoon even though there was nothing grand in the planning. It's often the simple things we share together that mean the most.

We agreed that it may not have always been that way when we were younger, but we have grown to appreciate the simplicity of spending time with each other. Our years together have helped to develop a relationship that is content with so many small things that bring us happiness just because we are with each other. I'm thankful for the gift of time that allows us to have afternoons like today.

Better Together

Today my beautiful wife & I celebrate 20 years of marriage. I could write the world's lengthiest blog describing her incredible, loving qualities and how well we fit together. I could begin to detail what a wonderful, sacrificial mother she is. I could fill tomes with descriptive terms to define why I don't deserve her and how vital she is to me everyday. The simple truth is that I am a better man because of her and I strive daily to be the man that she really deserves. Twenty years together seems like a lifetime and yet not enough at the same time. I am the luckiest.

Small Things Matter

As a pastor, I see a lot of marriages at different stages. I have been part of vow renewal ceremonies, crisis counseling, counseling simply for the sake of making their marriage better, and acting as an officiant as well. While I love to see marriage restored and strengthened I will admit to being partial seeing the beginning of a new relationship. Some of them tend to be more special than others and a lot of that is attributed to how the two of them interact. There are just some couples that fit so well together from the very beginning. You can already see how healthy they are going to be and how they will support each other. It's shown in a simple touch, a glance, a gentle word, or a calming presence at the exact moment it's needed.

They may not even realize the depth of what I see in them and yet I know it's going to be moments like these that will build a solid foundation for their future.

Love Rekindled

I will readily admit that one of my favorite responsibilities as a pastor is when I am able to officiate weddings. Today I was able to preside over a remarriage for a couple as they came back together after being apart. Instead of an impersonal ceremony at the courthouse they decided to have it done here at the church. It was a simple crowd of two of our staff members and their beloved 16 year old dog. It was the best part of my day as it allowed me to be part of something very intimate and God-honoring.

I thought of several things today as I took part in this beautifully sweet ceremony.

• The cliche saying that "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" is absolutely true. 
• God is able to restore all things-not just some things, but all things.
• Tough life lessons can produce deep-rooted love and understanding.
• Don't take important relationships for granted.
• Grace that is received from God and shared with someone else is incredibly powerful.

Sometimes a poignant reminder of what is important and a new beginning is what's needed for all of us.

More Than Words

As I wrote yesterday, I have an understanding of the power of words and also see tremendous value in the right words being spoken at the right time. I saw this in action today as I was able to do one of my favorite things as a pastor, and officiate the wedding of a wonderful couple.

It was a day marked by their desire to enter into a covenant relationship and affirm their love for each other. The ceremony was brief and filled with words that spoke of great promise. These were words that were carefully chosen to represent their love for each other and the vows they were sharing. There was added power and accountability to these words as they had selected a group of friends and family to bear witness to what was said over them. The depth of this commitment was in what was spoken, but most importantly in the intent of what was shared.

This is a time in life when words are extremely important. Not only are they a reflection of deep love, but also a promise for a great unknown future and a commitment to endure. I'm grateful for a chance to play a small part in days like this as a front row witness and guide even as I'm reminded of the depth of our verbal promises.

No Idea

It was 22 years ago today that Dana & I had our first date and 21 years ago that I proposed to her. She had no idea what she was saying "yes" to when she responded to my question. Honestly, I had no idea what I was really asking her. We just knew that we were in love and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We couldn't have predicted:

• How hard we would have to work to see our relationship grow
• The joy our three children would bring us 
• The trials & triumphs that we would have in parenting them
• The sorrow we would endure as we lost loved ones
• The comfort we would gain from each other in those moments
• The completely unexpected events of life (cancer, pregnancies, job loss)
• The depth of connection and maturity these events would bring us
• Our level of spiritual growth and focus on God
• A level of completion that we bring to each other
• The depth & intensity of our passion for one another
• That this is the life we would be living right now

I couldn't have foreseen the winding path of our journey together, but I have no regrets. The uncertainty of these travels is that much more satisfactory when I can travel with the love of my life. I don't know what lies ahead anymore than I did 22 years ago, but I do know who I get to travel with on this path. That's all the security I really need.

Not Long Enough

Today marks 19 years since I stood across from a beautiful redhead and committed to spend the rest of my life with her. Our vows were not traditional (thanks to a non-traditional officiant) and the gathering was intimate with immediate family and two witnesses only. We had no idea what was ahead of us, but took the first step by pledging our love to each other and beginning the journey.

I couldn't begin to anticipate the depths & heights of emotion and experience that we would share. While we had dreams of our future life, there was no way to be prepared for all that it would bring. Through each adventure, disappointment, life change, and incredible joy we have stuck together. In it all we have not only grown closer together, but also to our God. He has been the binding agent for us all these years and we continue to see Him at work as He leads us into our future together.

There is no one else I would rather travel this road with. We are still growing in our grand adventure as parents, Christ followers, lovers, and friends. I am grateful for the comfortable fit of her by my side-as gently perfect and intimate as our hands intertwined together. We've only just begun this life together and I am truly the most fortunate of all men. Happy anniversary my love.

Two Words

Some like to think that you have to talk more to
get your point across (a trap that I sometimes fall

into) but there is power in simplicity and economy of speech too. Tonight it only took two words to say what matters most, "I do." They are words that convey much more than acquiescence to a rehearsed set of vows or an expected, timely response. They were words filled with passionate emotion and fervent dedication that echoed their depth of commitment. These are words shaped by past experiences that bring an even greater gratitude for present blessings. This private oath shared publicly give us a glimpse of the emotional intimacy between a couple. It reveals the trust that has been built between them and the firm foundation that will only be strengthened over time. It's a promise of stronger things to come that are forged in the fires of resilience, healing, and God's restoration. I'm honored to have had a front row seat while they were shared.

Failure of Nerve: Wedded Bliss

(This is part two of a series of blogs on failure of nerve. Click here to read the introduction blog.)

Marriage is a complicated relationship and one that takes a great deal of investment to thrive. I

believe that almost all couples enter into this covenant with a firm desire to make it succeed. We are willing to share, meet each other's needs, encourage each other spiritually and emotionally, and work through any circumstances. As time goes by we can become less focused on the things that made our marriage better and they fall by the side of the road on our journey. Husbands and wives find themselves trapped in self-made, cyclical prisons of routine and life demands and neglect the positive habits that kept them together. When conflicts arise we are left with two choices: engage in the difficult conversations and work through the raw emotions to heal or shove everything aside and pretend nothing is wrong. It takes courage to make things right when they've been wrong for so long. Failure of nerve in our marriage leads to an unhealthy, isolated relationship.

Have the courage to humble yourself, remember how much you love your spouse, and do the grunt work to make your relationship better.

My Better Half

I enjoy writing, but will readily admit that I am nowhere near the writer that my wife is. She is truly

brilliant and able to carry you along a journey of thought and emotion like few other writers I know. She wrote a blog today that reminded me again of why I fell so deeply in love with her. I will give you one sentence in particular that left me saying, "Wow!" and then simply link to her blogpost for today for you to read. I couldn't begin to think of outwriting her and won't even try. Read for yourself and catch a glimpse of the intelligent and beautiful woman I am lucky enough to be married to.

"It’s the tiny brush strokes, the lowly eighth notes, the  choice to speak that word, or not, that changes the trajectory of art, relationships, of the future itself."

http://middleplaces.com/2013/08/05/in-the-middle-of-the-small-picture/

The Great Unknown

My family & I were blessed to attend the wedding of a special young couple today. They have been in love for quite some time and we knew long ago that this is where they would end up. As I sat holding hands with my wife of 18+ years during the ceremony, I thought about the journey this couple is beginning. There is no way to predict the specifics of what their future holds. I do know they will experience triumph, sorrows to battle through, fights and the joy of making up, and the great works of God in their lives.

I'm not envious of the start of their marriage, but am joyful for the unknown that they will face together with God's blessing. I can look at the success of my own marriage and smile in anticipation of the life they will build together.