Becoming Clear

"Muddy water becomes clear if you only let it be still for a while.” Dallas Willard

Have you ever faced a confusing or difficult situation and jumped into action only to make it worse? Our desire to make things right or to force an outcome leads us to stir things up when the better choice might be to let them settle instead. 

Part of my natural reaction is to want to fix things. When I see something out of alignment I want to make it right. I don’t think this is a terrible trait, but I have discovered (often the hard way) that making decisions and taking action before things are clear doesn’t always end well. My eagerness has often led me to moving prematurely before fully understanding what’s really happening.

Over the last decade I’ve learned to pause before jumping into situations and asserting myself. As a person of action that hasn’t been an easy habit to develop but has been honed through many difficult life lessons. This is something each of us can develop if we are committed to change. Over time we can then make the conscious decision to pause, take a deep breath, and carefully examine the situation before deciding what to do.

The habit of patient contemplation is often underrated. Allow yourself time and space to think when things are overwhelming and you are unsure. Learning to be still in our thoughts and actions makes the next step more clear.

Measure Carefully

For almost all of my adult life I’ve been a communicator. The platform varied depending on the environment—in the classroom, on athletic fields/courts, in small groups, from a stage, and one-on-one. I feel it’s one of my gifts and something I continue to work to sharpen as my life path continue to evolve. There have been some hard lessons over the years as I haven’t alway communicated in a healthy or constructive way. Damage was often done because I didn’t realize the full power of this gift and didn’t always use it to build others up.

The truth is that all of us are communicators. The size and proximity of our audience may vary, but we all convey information, thoughts, and emotions to the people around us. To understand the impact of what we say it is important to remember a simple truth: our words have weight. Whether we always recognize the result or not, the things we speak will affect others. Those closest to us can often be most wounded by our words. A leadership position in our career also adds weight to what we say and can have unintended consequences if we are careless.

Considering the responsibility of being a communicator might lead us to choose not to share things at all. The better choice is to take a few moments to think about what we have to say before we speak. Once those words leave our mouths they can’t be taken back.

Examine It

Every season and experience of life can be helpful if we take a closer look at it. Each change we undergo offers opportunities to learn and to become more than we are today. With that idea in mind as we begin another year, I recently found myself contemplating the question, "What has 2018 taught you?"


-Your calling isn’t defined by your profession. Your profession gives you an opportunity to live out your calling.

-Even when you strive to look at people through the lens of grace they won’t always act gracefully.

-When you’re unsure of where your future path may lead focus on doing the next right thing.

-Your impact on the people around you is greater and longer lasting than you realize.

-You and your family are tougher and can endure more than you might have thought.

-Freedom is a powerful feeling especially when you haven’t experienced it for some time.

-You can start new things no matter your age.

-Sometimes we need to be told someone believes in us so we can take the next step forward.

-Voices and influences that were once vital to your growth can become detrimental after time.

-Seasons and friendships change and that doesn’t take away from the value they once had even if they are no longer as relevant.

-If you’re the only one working to maintain a relationship it’s clearly not as valuable to the other person as it is to you. Have enough respect for yourself to graciously walk away. 

-New beginnings are always available. You may have firmly believed that for others, but it is solidified as one of your values when you experience that truth for yourself.

-You are a survivor and always have been. Don’t forget that key part of your identity just because certain things you once held closely now fall apart.

-What you once thought was the worst thing that could happen to you can turn out to be best thing for your future.


Your perspective on your present will determine your mindset for your future. Keep going and don’t forget what you’ve already learned.

(Un)Learning

We used to have a white mutt of a dog named Zeddie. He was a pretty pitiful dog, but was deeply loved by our family. He was a rescue through another family and it become clear to us early on that he had been abused as a puppy. He become part of our family when he was no more than two years old and yet the abuse he suffered had an impact on him for the rest of his life. He would cringe whenever strangers came around and even acted fearful of us on occasion. No matter how much we continued to love him he still struggled with those base fears that had been imprinted on him when he was younger.

I don't think it's that different for people either. The negative experiences we have in our family of origin, previous relationships, and unhealthy work environments imprint a response on our souls that is difficult to change. Perhaps the most difficult part of our own lifelong education is in un-learning negative patterns, reactions, and assumptions. Like any other lasting change we want to make in our lives this won't happen accidentally. We have to decide to learn not to respond in emotionally unstable ways, not to drift back into destructive habits, and not to flinch every time we approached.

This isn't alway a simple process, but there are some key things we can do to get moving in the right direction.

• Get out of the unhealthy situation: when things are toxic you need to step away for your own safety
• Recognize your negative reactions: increase your self-awareness and see where your past experiences are influencing your present behaviors
• Swap in healthy responses: start changing out fearful, reactionary responses with ones that bring peace to your soul
• Deal with your grief: meet this head-on as you'll need to address what's happened to you instead of burying it deep and hoping it goes away
• Move forward: this sounds easier than it actually is and will take longer than you want it to take.

We won’t get it right the first time or every time, but we will get better as we travel this pathway to healing and learn new ways of living fully.

Renovation Project

We haven't had television services at home for many years, but when we travel we end up glued to the screen watching home renovation shows. There is something incredibly compelling about the journey of seeing something transformed and repurposed. While there are a variety of different shows, the basic premise and story arc is the same.

It always begins with a vision and excitement about the potential at the beginning of the project. Once the work is fully engaged, however, there are always unexpected costs and complications. When the layers are pulled back there ends up being underlying damage to the structure that couldn't be previously seen. At some point in the project the owners will be frustrated and express their doubts about whether the renovation will ever be completed. There is always a turning point where things begin to come together and every owner is always amazed at how beautiful things turn out at the end.

I don't think this story arc is much different for the spiritual renovation work we do in our own lives. Any project we go through gets messier before it gets fresh and new. The complications we run into will most likely lead us into wanting to give up before it's done. This process also won't wrap up neatly into a 30 minute episode, but ends up taking longer than we may have initially projected. The good news is that we can gain some confidence in knowing that if we continue to push forward it will turn out better than we anticipated.

Learning Curve

Our education doesn't stop the moment we walk across a stage to receive a diploma or degree. It's actually a lifelong process of constant lessons. How effective these lessons are depends on our awareness of them and our receptivity to what they are teaching us. 

The books we read, the people we interact with, the life events we experience, and the decisions we make all have the opportunity to shape us. Much like our time in an actual classroom however, we must be prepared to receive the lesson to take full advantage of what it has to offer. 

Not all lessons are pleasant to endure, but they can all be beneficial if we eventually apply what we've been taught. 

Strange Shape

"And I became such a strange shape, 

such a strange shape from trying to fit in

Yeah, I became such a strange shape, such a strange shape"

“Wilson” Fall Out Boy

There is a distinct difference between “fitting in” and “belonging.” Author Brene Brown nails it when she writes, "“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” 

Constantly trying to fit in isn’t being true to yourself. It is a marker of an off-balance dynamic where you feel pressure to change your real nature to conform to someone else’s ideal. It’s an unhealthy stretching that doesn’t cause you to step more fully into your fulfilled self, but to become less of who you truly are.

You know when you aren’t living out of your genuine identity. It causes internal tension that manifests in uneven emotional and spiritual states, difficulty finding healthy rhythms of life, and stagnant transformational growth. Over time it will inevitably be revealed that you still won’t be good enough for those who are trying to get you to fit in. They will be unhappy with their lack of total control and you will be left feeling unfulfilled and incomplete. It’s better to be in community with people who create an accepting space for you to mature into the most real, growing, grace-filled person you can be.

Don’t settle for less by squeezing into an ill-fitting form. You can’t be the best version of yourself when you are stretching yourself in unnatural ways. If you aren't careful, you might get stuck in that strange shape.