Too Long

My wife and I are lovers of music and have varied musical tastes. We often equate listening to my iPod on shuffle as giving you musical whiplash as it shifts genres. We also love to put together playlists of songs for each other for occasions and seasons of life. One of the recent playlists my wife made for me had the old Otis Redding song, "I've Been Loving You To Long" on it. I do love some old R&B and soul music and this song in particular has a great groove to it.

I was thinking about the words to the song today, "I've been loving you too long, to stop now" and how even as they affirmed the love of my wife & I, they were an even stronger statement from God to us. So many times we feel abandoned because of our circumstances or confused by what we feel is the silence of God. We wonder why a relationship has ended, how our loved one could have died, or why this depression won't seem to lift. We end up feeling completely alone and isolated from others and particularly from God.

While we won't necessarily get an answer that makes it all easy to understand, God does offer us the comfort of us steadfast love. He doesn't leave us or abandon us, but simply says, "I knew you before anyone here ever thought of you and my love is just as strong today in your sorrow as it was when you were born. I have invested my power, my love, and my Son for your sake. No matter what you may think or feel, I have not left you. I have been loving you too long to stop now."

Speak Up

I recognize that it's a gift from God, but I am particularly proud of my speaking voice. It has a deep resonance and I have learned how to use it to get people's attention and create volume in crowded places. As a perfect example, last year our Arizona mission team was in the Atlanta airport waiting to receive our boarding passes. I needed the group to gather closer to me so I called out, "Hey guys, gather over here so I can give you some instructions." I was pleased to see my team of 20 step closer to me, but also greatly amused as another 20 people joined them in response to my vocal commands.

The thing about my voice is that I won't have it forever. At some point age will decrease its power and I won't be able to utilize it in ways that I can now. I've got to take care of it to make sure it lasts as long as possible and that I don't waste it by yelling and abusing it now. 

Our influence is also our voice. Unfortunately we forget that we won't have this exact position forever so we waste the opportunities to speak truth and have an impact in the right moment and time. We wantonly use it to further our own selfish agenda instead of thinking of the best overall goals. We ignore our children because "right now" isn't convenient for us while they grow another day closer to leaving our home. We give up our voice of influence when we act rashly out of anger and belittle people instead of taking the time to understand their point of view and listen to what they are trying to share with us. We decrease our volume when we stand boldly on what the church is against and forget to share the grace and mercy that Jesus always stood for. 

We need to recognize what we have while we have it and start speaking so that others will choose to listen while we still have the voice to speak.

Rest Up

Today was the first day in over three weeks where I didn't have anything on my calendar to accomplish. I was able to sleep in, leisurely enjoy my coffee, catch up on website reading, and lay in my hammock. I
wasn't productive at all, but I also don't feel guilty about it either. We all need rest and too often I am foolish enough to believe that I can just keep going and everything will be fine. Not only do my relationships suffer from not having the time off, but I don't operate at the same speed and efficiency without that rest. There are times when the demands of life and ministry make it difficult (if not impossible) to maintain this weekly rest. However, I am reminded each time I rest how important it is in more ways than I can tangibly count.

You Alone

I'm always thinking about what it means to be a better husband, father, friend, and pastor. I can see how much work God has done in me and yet realize how much more is still to be done. I struggle with the big sins that most men do--pride and lust--and have to be diligently focused on the Spirit or they will overwhelm me.

I was praying today and thinking about the things that hold me back from future growth & maturity. I prayed, "Lord, please change my heart so that I can be a better pastor and leader." I heard God's answer to me, but it was definitively different from my prayer. 

"I want to change your heart, but not so you can be a better pastor & leader. I want it changed so that you know me more. I want you transformed for your own relationship with me and not for the sake of anyone else. Everything else will flow out of this. Let me search your heart and make you new so that you can be with me." 

This wasn't a shocking revelation, but it was a message I obviously needed to hear. My desire for transformation is genuine, but my motivation continues to need work.

Searching for Hope

We were in Arizona this past week working on the Apache reservation with an incredible crew of 13 dedicated people. We spent one afternoon on the Blue Bus picking kids up in the Dark Shadows community of the reservation. The name alone reveals some of the characteristics of this particular location--it's a place that feels heavy spiritually. The surrounding scenery is breath-taking, but the living environments are much rougher. It feels as if there is an oppressive spiritual blanket that dims the light in the neighborhood and presses down on your shoulders. The playground we park at has broken pieces of equipment and is littered with trash and empty liquor bottles. The drug dealers walk around the playground while we are there (only during daylight hours--I wouldn't go there after dark) as if to remind us that the park belongs to them and that we are there by their grace alone.

As we were packing up to leave at the end of our playtime I saw a women helping a young 4-5 year old boy take off his roller blades. Her face was mostly hidden by her hoodie and hair while she worked to help her son change into his shoes. I assumed that she had walked down to take him home (as often happens) until members of our team made it clear that she was obviously high and incapable of taking care of him. While we were momentarily unsure if we needed to intervene, the boy ran after his mother as she walked away to give her a hug before coming back to our bus so we could take him home.

My wife was able to see this woman's face and recognized that things were in worse shape than we realized. This mother was very strung out and on a pathway that will most likely lead to her death. At the same time there was a depth of sorrow in her eyes that revealed her love for her son and her understanding that he is lost to her forever. In the act of changing his shoes she was able to step away from the fog of the drugs running through her body and simply act as his mother. It was a desperate act of clinging to something normal when her entire world is entangled in the addictive power that will take her life. She was searching for a moment of normalcy in an abnormal existence and managed to gain it even if only for a few moments. It was a heart wrenching glimpse into a life that is desperate to be saved and yet unwilling (or unable) to cry out for help. This momentary motherly duty was a hint of the life that she and her son could have had. The pain in her face revealed that she knew this while her son only knew that his mom was walking away again, but he was thrilled to have her even for this brief time. 

It was a peek into the sad existence of someone who has lost all hope and is clinging to the last vestiges of who she might have been. It was a heart-breaking insight into a culture where the loss of hope is more frequent than it should be. 

Joy & Suffering

Our leadership team attended a lunch & information session hosted by Serenity Hospice today at the hospital. It provided some interesting insights into hospice care and the parallels to the Christian life & ministry.

• Hospice care and hope have to work together (isn't this supposed to be the church's motto too?)
• Often patients wait much longer they should before seeking hospice help (in the church people wait for things to fall apart before they seek help)
• The key to good care is to listen and pay careful attention to the family around them (sometimes the church is so quick to talk about what they are doing that they forget to listen to people first)
• We want people to be able to say, "It is well" at the end of their life (do we even understand what this means as a church?)
• Sometimes your presence is enough to help (are we caught up in doing so much that we forget about just being there?)
• Successful hospice care takes focus and selflessness (is the objective to truly help or just make ourselves feel better because we made an effort?)
• Take the time for a positive touch-it helps keep people connected and grounded to today (are we moving quickly through a room or phone call or are we stopping to touch an individual life?)
• When we give great care our reputation speaks for itself (not only is this true, but it should be a measurable, tangible goal for God's church)

A New Family

It is never easy to leave the reservation and our time in Arizona. Over the last ten years it has become a second home to my wife & I as it's a place where we feel comfortable traveling and providing benefit to the people that live there full time. I have made 16 trips there in the last decade and each one gives us an opportunity to build a bridge of trust and to make an impact in some way.

I love the experience that we have, but I also love leading teams of people out there. There is a ridiculous amount of physical beauty that I look forward to sharing with them, but it is the growth of the team together that I value the most. Each team develops its own unique personality and culture and there are always surprises as people step up to lead in unexpected ways and step out in spiritual growth. We share laughter, tears, quickly evaporating sweat, and sometimes blood. There is deep satisfaction in a finished job and in the tears and hugs from the staff we encourage. While we are ready for the comforts of home & routine and the love of our friends and families, there is also a sadness as our temporary family disbands.

It's the nature of these mission trips to end, but I hope that we all return to "normal" with a bit more insight into what matters and a Holy Spirit adjusted perspective that will lead us to make decisions a bit differently than before we set out. It's a growth opportunity that can only come from a sacrifice of self for the sake of others.